This past Sunday, Flatirons Church chose the movie “Beautiful Boy” to teach about powerlessness in relationships. “Beautiful Boy” is a story about a young man whose relationship with his father was good until his teen years when the son began to drift into a crowd that used drugs of various kinds.

The message was brought by Senior Pastor, Jim Burgen, who looked at specific elements which depicted the broken world we live in and how to navigate it without hurting ourselves. We have deceived ourselves culturally in defining addictions as a ‘disease’ but have failed to identify the real issues, only its symptoms. Addiction is a symptom that goes much deeper than behavior. It is the acting out of pain or discomfort to the degree that, even if the drugs are killing us, that is preferable to living in reality.

As a father, I can tell you that I have worried about my kids and wanted so badly to fix them. The pain is palpable. But after a certain age, our kids begin to make their own decisions, and we can no longer control them and maybe, we should not want to control them. God has infinite power, yet values relationships so much that He does not attempt to fix us beyond what we give Him permission to do. He could snap His finger and make our life perfect, but then we would relate to Him as robots. It would certainly not be a relationship of love and care.

Jesus knew how to have healthy relationships and how to decide whether a healthy relationship is even possible. He attaches in ways that still give us complete freedom of choice morally. I have had to learn this with my children and others I want close relationships with. It is not an easy place to live and cannot, in my opinion, be done without being attached to Jesus. I have tried ‘reasoning’ with others, but reasoning is relative to experience and desires. Often, I can only listen to grief and know I have no solutions, except to love them.

Jesus has taught us the way. He did not power up under the feeling of fixing anyone, but only defending His Father’s house. Instead, He usually stepped back and avoided the easy traps He is incited into by His enemies. I think that is because, until Judgment Day, Jesus did not think He had enemies which He could control. If someone decides to hate you, truth is all we must hang onto. And Jesus declared He was the Way, the Truth, and the Light. Trying to reason with people usually only creates guilt, which may be the deepest problem. In the movie, the dad thought he was acting in love and concern but, as is usual, one acts nobly with selfish reasons. I act many times to help others, but my motive is to deal with my own issues. I think I do this, so if I can fix someone else, rather than fixing me. Jesus had something to say about that. The saying “You hypocrite, remove the plank from your own eye” is a biblical quote from Matthew 7:5, which emphasizes the importance of self-reflection before judging others. It highlights the hypocrisy of focusing on the minor faults of others while ignoring one’s own much larger flaws. The “plank” represents a significant flaw or sin, while the “speck” represents a minor fault. When I do not act in love, especially when I am in the parent or in an authority role, I am a hypocrite acting out of selfishness.

In one of the clips, the dad disconnects from the son and says, “Call your sponsor.” We must do that at some point but in a way which communicates love. We are not Saviors and have no special powers that we could use absent than the power God uses through us. What we must come to grips with is that we did not cause the problem. I cannot control the problem, and I cannot fix it. Often, I simply do not even know what to fix. Whatever is sad or heartbreaking, consider owning your part (if any) and no more. You must be there for them as a presence, not a Savior or fixer. Love them, but your life responsibility may be larger than their problem. There is the rest of the family to consider. Ask yourself, “Am I so wrapped up in ______’s life, that I am destroying other relationships?”

Finally, Jim advises us that we need to examine ourselves. All of us have problems that we self-medicate. Maybe we do not consider ourselves an addict. Maybe our medication is not a drug or alcohol but is still handled perhaps by overeating, hoarding, shopping beyond our budget, or developing an emotional or mental problem that seems to give us a break from reality. Instead, call on the Healer of our soul because that is where the problem lies; that is at the root of all else in ourselves and what we observe in others. We need a Savior because all of us are in spiritual warfare with the enemy of our souls, whose goal is to deceptively, kill, steal, and destroy. I made a promise to myself some time ago, that I would not criticize my wife for anything, because I believe I know ‘all’ truth. I make ever so may more mistakes than she does. Even if that were not true, my criticism only exacerbates the problem. This was a powerful movie with some profound parables that Jim tweaked out for us.

If you are not regularly attending another church, give us a try. We meet at the Historic Theater downtown Estes at 10 a.m. Sundays.