Dear Eric >> My wife and I have been married for about 10 years. We both love each other very much, but it has been rocky the entire time.

We tried going to counseling a few times, but she said she felt picked on and walked out in the middle of a session.

One evening years ago, while on a family vacation, she said that there was a work event going on at a bar she needed to attend.

She was sharing her location with me from her phone. I casually looked and it appeared that she was at the apartment of a former work friend, John, nowhere near the bar.

For years, she had been pulling away from me. She would sleep on the couch; if I tried to kiss her, she would turn and give me her cheek. We tried to work through this, and I asked her to go back to counseling, but she refused.

Recently, I figured out the password on her phone and read the messages between her and John. It looked like they have been regularly meeting up, even though she says they haven’t. It even looked like they went to a musical together once and went walking by the beach together frequently.

The text messages look like friends chatting, not romantic.

She swears that she never met this guy outside of a group of friends, though she is unwilling to show me proof. She says she went to the musical by herself, for example, even though she bought two tickets and texted John that she would see him at the show. She said she sold the two tickets and bought a single ticket and went on a different day.

She says she loves me and that the real issue is my snooping around.

We are at an impasse, and this has escalated to talk of divorce. But that is not what I want. If I believe her without seeing the proof, am I being naïve? Am I in the wrong for snooping on her phone? Or is she really good at lying to my face?

— Confused

Dear Confused >> A couple of things are happening here. The snooping was wrong; it’s an invasion of her privacy and you owe her an apology for that.

At the same time, I’m left wondering what version of your marriage you’re trying to get back.

Putting aside the John of it all, the larger issue for you seems to be the lack of affection and communication. The snooping may be your way of trying to figure out the source of the trouble. But it’s not going to be found externally. It’s between you and your wife.

You owe each other a conversation about what you think this marriage is, how each of you knows it’s working or not working, and what you both need from the union. There’s a reason that you’re both staying. I don’t know that it’s a healthy reason, but from your actions, neither of you seems to want to separate. Why else would she use excuses that seem implausible instead of just telling you that she went to a show with John?

But this is not working as it is. If you can’t have an honest conversation — without surveillance or subterfuge — it will be hard to move forward. So, ask yourself and ask her: why are we doing this? Then ask, how can we make a good faith effort to do it better?

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com