“I want to be kinder to myself, not blame myself, you know?” My client paused, looking away. “But, I’m afraid that if I lean too much into patience and kindness for myself, that I’ll stop gaining ground. That I’ll lose my edge.”

She’s not alone. Many high-achievers fear self-compassion leads to complacency — but research proves otherwise. As Dr. Kristin Neff explains, self-compassion isn’t about lowering standards; it’s about meeting challenges with kindness so we can reach our full potential without the burden of harsh self-criticism.

Self-compassion means supporting ourselves well, especially during difficult times. It has three parts according to Dr. Neff: mindfulness, common humanity and self-kindness. Let’s explore how it helped my client, “Nancy.”

Nancy, an athlete, sustained a foot injury that required a lengthy recovery. Unable to access her source of stress relief, enjoyment and community, she noticed her mind fixating on thoughts like, “it’s not fair” and “I should’ve prevented this” which made her feel trapped, anxious and depressed.

This is a normal experience when humans are going through a stressful time. But, this type of over-identification with certain thoughts or behaviors is almost never useful. Here, the first step of self-compassion helps us step back and observe mindfully without judgment. We might say aloud, “This is a really difficult time,” acknowledging a moment of suffering. We might add the facts of the situation (vs. interpretations or opinions): “My foot is injured; I’m not sure how long it will take to heal; my mind is trying to make sense of it and tends to blame me; I feel scared and a bit lost.” Notice how this feels — has the grip of unhelpful thoughts loosened a little as we step into the mindful observer role?

Isolation is another aspect of difficult times for most of us — we feel utterly alone in our experience. The second step is connecting to our common humanity. This might sound like, “Other athletes have been sidelined by injury too” or “Millions of people right now are dealing with unexpected setbacks.” When I practice this step, I like to close my eyes and envision the globe with strands of light connecting me to all the other people in the world feeling what I’m feeling.

In the final step of self-compassion, we offer ourselves kindness, warmth and understanding. While our default mode might be to evaluate where we went wrong, it’s actually more useful to treat yourself with the level of support you might have for a dear friend. What are most needing to hear or experience? Can you offer that to yourself? This might sound like, “May I be kind to myself as I navigate this difficulty” or “I’m here with you, and I’m not going anywhere” or “You’ve done hard things before, you will get through this too.”

After this practice, notice how you feel. Most of my clients feel a bit more settled, some relief and a bit more hope or clarity about what actions they might be able to take next. Notice how this is starkly different from the state that self-criticism or harsh self-judgment puts us in. Research shows that self-compassion increases motivation, resilience and adaptability. It helps us learn from failures and setbacks rather than feeling defeated by them. It shines the light on unrealistic expectations, helping us set kind and reasonable goals for ourselves which helps increase our pace of progress and removes the layer of self-critical muck blocking the way.

Self-compassion is an accelerator rather than a hindrance when it comes to what matters to us. It provides a solid foundation for us to learn and achieve from while acknowledging room for growth without judgment. If you’d like to learn more about self-compassion and exercises you can practice, please visit self-compassion.org.

I aim to provide compassionate and practical guidance. Submit below if you’d like my perspective on your question or circumstance in a future column.

Tiffany Skidmore is a mental health and life coach who specializes in life transitions and anxiety. Email your questions and feedback to tiffanyskidmore.com">tiffany@tiffanyskidmore.com or submit them anonymously at tinyurl.com/thelifecoach. Visit tiffanyskidmore.com to learn more.