Dear Eric >> I had a bad falling out from a very toxic job a few months ago. Since it ended, I’ve been dealing with feelings of shame and betrayal, but I’m doing what I can to clean the fallout from my brain. I’m in therapy, I’ve taken up some new hobbies, and I’m reconnecting with old friends. I’m taking some time off from full-time employment (I still have a small side hustle), but I have some savings and I’m taking care to protect my “on ramp” for a future job search.

A close relative keeps bringing up the fact that I’m underemployed. She keeps insisting that she’s “worried about me.” She sends me job posts and says that “something is better than nothing,” or that I need to “get back to real life.”

The truth is that I am a bit stalled and lost right now, but every time she brings it up, I end up in a shame spiral where my choice to take time for myself feels like “procrastination and laziness.” It’s making it harder for me to enjoy this time off.

How can I communicate better to this relative about the effects of her well-intentioned meddling? I’ve increasingly been shutting her out, but I don’t really want to. I just wish I could talk to her about where I’m at without feeling ashamed and pressured to job search.

Alternatively, how can I summon the fortitude to not let her comments bother me and keep my mind on what I want for myself? We’re both early-career adults, if it matters.

— Trying to Protect My Brain

Dear Brain >> There’s a part of your plan that’s quite exciting – you’re taking a nontraditional path in the interest of healing and self-improvement. This has the potential to make you a more fully actualized person and a stronger candidate for employment.

Shame is a complicated and vicious emotion that can pop up in surprising ways. It can keep us from the solutions we need and convince us that self-sabotage is actually self-help. It’s good that you’re regularly checking your thinking in therapy. Working out things like timeframe (how much financial runway do you have? When do you plan to start looking again?) and progress markers (how are you tracking your development? Are there ways that others can assist you?) will help you feel less stalled.

Two options for your relative: be completely honest – her pestering is not helpful; you are struggling with shame; you don’t want to talk about this until [insert ways she could actually be helpful, like listening without judgment or taking a look at your budget]. Or incorporate the unsolicited job posts into your plan by devising a “perfect job” rubric and applying it to each position. This would also help your cousin to help you better. If she’s not sending you the right jobs, tell her how she can improve her helpfulness.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com