Dear Eric >> I’m a grown woman in a healthy relationship with two children of my own, and I can’t stand being around my dad. I’m resentful of him for a childhood full of emotional abuse that I feel has stunted my personal development. I’m working hard to get through that and reach my fullest potential, but I still really can’t stand being around him.

I think he is the most annoying and uninteresting person I’ve ever met, not just because he’s my abuser. I think plenty of my friends and family agree. He constantly monologues about his own interests for hours on end and redirects every conversation to one of his interests.

The problem is he’s still married to my mother and they’re in a very unhealthy codependent relationship. I love my mom and want to stay in touch with her. It’s just that he has to come, too. I’m in a horrible place emotionally whenever he’s in the room; he’s a real energy vacuum. What do you recommend?

— Preserving My Peace

Dear Peace >> Let’s redefine what staying in touch with your mother means. From your letter, I surmise that, ideally, you’d like to visit and have her visit you. Is it possible, at least for a short while, to move the contact to phone calls? This would allow you to focus on your mother without having to avoid your father.

Your mother may also be suffering emotional abuse similar to the abuse you experienced, so as you determine the best way to keep in touch with her, it’s important not to place blame on her for the situation she’s in. Having a space to talk privately can help both of you get some relief from your father and could open the door that enables her to reach out for help.

When people work with a therapist to recover from codependency, one of the tactics they employ is learning how to reparent themselves. This means acknowledging and healing the childhood traumas and wounds that contribute to an adulthood marked by feelings of shame and unworthiness, among other difficult emotions. But it’s not your job to reparent your mother.

Indeed, it’ll be healthiest for you to keep a healthy internal boundary around trying to “fix” things for her. A modified communication plan will feel different initially and it may take longer than you’d like for it to feel “normal.” But in a space free of your father’s monologues, little touchpoints of communication can build to something meaningful and healing.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com