Dear Eric >> My daughter Tess turned 40 years old last month. Hard to believe how time flies. My husband and I took her and her husband, Mack, and two children out for dinner on her birthday as we always do every year. A few weeks before this, Mack asked my husband if we would babysit on a day after the birthday dinner. My husband told me that Mack was taking Tess out after dinner. I thought OK, that’s nice that they will go out for her birthday.

But then I find out that Mack is planning a party at a bar/restaurant and has invited his entire large family – mom and dad, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Tess said we could come for one drink, but then the kids would have to go home to go to bed. She also said she did not invite her aunt (her father’s sister) because we would not be there, and they wouldn’t know anyone. My husband and I have a small family, just us, his sister and her husband, and their two children, who both live out of state.

I was very hurt by this but kept my mouth shut because every time I have spoken up about being left out or about my daughter’s attitude toward me, it turns into a fight. I did speak up to my husband, but he didn’t think it was wrong for us to have to babysit and miss our daughter’s party. It’s not the grandchildren’s fault. We love having our grandchildren and have them sleep over quite often, at least twice a month. I just feel other arrangements could have been made for this occasion. Your opinion?

— Left Out

Dear Left Out >> Other arrangements could have been made. Surely this wasn’t the only possible solution. So, I completely understand where you’re coming from.

Depending on the guest list, the occasion, and the vibe, some parties aren’t “invite your parents parties” (just as some parties aren’t “invite your work friends” or “invite kids and adults,” et cetera). I would understand if the party that Mack envisioned was a wild rumpus that older and younger generations may not have enjoyed as much. But that’s not the case here.

It really stands out that, from your telling, Mack essentially had a family reunion for his side of the family to celebrate Tess’ birthday and declined to invite your side. Perhaps he thought that because you’d have the opportunity to celebrate at a dinner of your own, you wouldn’t want to come to the party or wouldn’t feel excluded. Perhaps he even thought this was a graceful solution, providing you with dedicated time with Tess and dedicated time with your grandkids.

If you’re struggling to accept what happened and fear that talking about it more will cause conflict, then you might choose to believe this more generous explanation and assume the best. At the end of the day, Tess’ 40th was well-celebrated, and that’s what matters most.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com