Will recently moved to a new state feeling hopeful that he would regain his confidence that had been shattered by the end of a relationship the previous year. But, he ended up struggling with confidence more than ever as he navigated a new job, loneliness, and the steep learning curve inherent in any big transition.

Will is not alone. Whether the issue is the end of a relationship, a job change, or moving to a new city, most of us point to our lack of confidence as the biggest problem. Here’s what Will — and most of us — get wrong: we’re chasing a feeling instead of building a skill. Confidence isn’t something you find; it’s something you create through action. Let’s get clear on the myths about confidence, so we can stop spinning and start taking the actions that will make a difference in our lives.

Myth #1: I have to feel confident so I can achieve my goals, perform at my peak, or be the person I want to be. This belief is so commonly held that people will prioritize working toward feeling confident over working on their goals directly. But, the truth is that the actions of confidence have to come first, and the feelings of confidence come later.

Imagine the first time getting behind the wheel of a car to learn how to drive. It takes courage —beginner drivers are taking action first, and with time and lots of practice, they build confidence. It is the same in every other part of life. You don’t wait to feel ready — you show up scared and build confidence one awkward conversation or action at a time.

Myth #2: Confidence requires being “good enough.” What a trap this is — if we must immediately meet a high standard in order to feel confident, then no wonder we hesitate to step outside our comfort zones. The truth is that confidence requires the willingness to practice until we are good.

Amidst a culture that conditions us from a young age that A’s and gold stars are how we measure if we are good enough, it’s hard to give ourselves the grace to step into unfamiliar territory and fumble around while we get our bearings.

Truly confident people believe in their ability to learn, to improve and to make good decisions. They know that mistakes are part of the learning process and don’t slow themselves down or beat themselves up if they make one.

Myth #3: I need to get rid of anxiety and fear to be confident. Although we have a tendency to see these states of being on a binary spectrum — anxiety on one side and confidence on the other —the truth is that we can feel any emotion and still be confident (or at the least take confident actions). The best thing we can do for ourselves is change our relationship with anxiety and fear. Rather than fighting it or suppressing it, we can observe it and reframe it.

Although some of my most thrilling moments have been speaking in front of an audience, my body always feels anxiety and fear. I get sweaty, my voice trembles, and my heart pounds; yet, I’ve learned to see these as signs that something important is happening rather than a sign of my shortcomings. We can experiment with renaming fear as excitement. They are physiologically the same — the difference lies in how we interpret and label them.

So, how can someone like Will build sustainable confidence? My current formula is: Supportive Self-Talk + Confident Actions + Willingness. He can talk to himself like a friend as he navigates the stressors of relocating. He can take the actions that matter most to him, like asking a coworker to have lunch or going to a local meetup group. He can choose to be willing to feel some discomfort in the short-term in service of his long-term well-being.

Think about a time when you acted confidently despite feeling scared. What did you tell yourself? What would change if you treated confidence as a practice rather than a prerequisite?

I aim to provide compassionate and practical guidance. Submit below if you’d like my perspective on your question or circumstance in a future column.

Tiffany Skidmore is a mental health and life coach who specializes in life transitions and anxiety. Email your questions and feedback to tiffanyskidmore.com">tiffany@tiffanyskidmore.com or submit them anonymously at tinyurl.com/thelifecoach. Visit tiffanyskidmore.com to learn more.