Friend doesn’t want longtime pal to visit after weight gain

Dear Eric: I’ve been friends with “Steven” for 40 years. We’ve dabbled in romance a few times when we were both single, but we always return to the platonic comfort zone. We live in separate states and haven’t seen each other for 15 years. We talk on the phone about once a month, and I’m satisfied with that.

Steven, however, continues to press for getting together. He’s even offered to pick up the whole tab on a mini vacation. Fifteen years is a long time, and I’ve had some injuries and illnesses that have aged me. I take meds that cause weight gain. In fact, I am now 100 pounds more than when Steven saw me 15 years ago and I’m ashamed for him to see me this way.

I’ve mentioned in conversation that I’ve gained a lot of weight and that I walk with a limp, etc. He doesn’t comment on the subject, just keeps trying to get together with me and I keep making excuses. I’m afraid he’s going to just decide to come to visit me so I can’t get out of it.

What can I say to make Steven understand I really don’t want him to see me without insulting him or destroying our friendship?

— Hiding the Truth

Dear Truth: Steven may be interpreting your protests as insecurity and, through his insistence, may think that he’s being supportive.

A kind sentiment, but not one you have to accept if you truly just don’t want to see him. It’s hard to feel secure in a friendship if you’re always afraid he’s going to show up uninvited. Being clearer, and firm, about your boundary may be helpful here.

You don’t have to make excuses or debate with him. Telling him, “I appreciate you, and I really look forward to our phone calls, but I don’t want to visit. I know that’s something you want, but as my friend can you respect my wishes?” will be revealing.

If he won’t respect your boundaries, he’s not the good friend he thinks he is. And a friend who can’t or won’t respect a boundary is already working to destroy the friendship.

Regardless of what Steven wants, I want to emphasize how important your comfort and feelings of self-worth are. You may already know this, but it bears repeating that you’re not less valuable as a friend nor as a person because your body looks and functions differently.

If you can, please talk to a counselor or support group that focuses on body image and body acceptance. Make sure the values of the group align with yours; some might be more interested in changing you than helping you eliminate shame. Do it for yourself, not for Steven, because you’re worth it.

Dear Eric: A recent letter about birthday gifts sent to children struck me because, as a parent, I found myself in a similar dilemma.

Growing up, my many siblings and I never exchanged gifts of any sort with our many cousins, largely for financial reasons. It was not part of our traditions, and we’re still on friendly terms with all of them today.

My husband was raised similarly with the same lack of gift-exchanging tradition among cousins.

When we entered our parenting years, however, some of my siblings began sending cards with checks of small amounts on my children’s birthdays. Naturally, we were expected to reciprocate. We tried to keep up, but after a few years opted out of a tradition we had never signed onto. It was too expensive.

I explained why, though I felt no compunction to go into details. Cards and checks to my children stopped. Years later, I can say that things have worked out financially for my husband and me, but would I do the same thing today? Yes!

After all these years, I still hear the occasional “whisper” from family about cards never received, remarks that can be meant only to hurt and shame. To me, this shows a stunning lack of understanding.

If this is what too much gift-giving leads to, I think I made the right decision.

— Wish It Was Otherwise

Dear Wish: I’m glad it worked out for you. This can be a frustrating minefield for a lot of people. Gifts should never take the place of genuine relationships or communication. Money talks but mumbles, so we have to be clear.

Gifts and cards can be tokens of our appreciation, but that token doesn’t have a one-to-one exchange rate. When family and friends start trading gifts like they’re on the floor of a stock exchange, or feelings get bruised because of an unmet expectation, it’s good to stop and say, “What’s the relationship we’re really trying to have here and how can we make that happen, person to person?”

Send questions to eric@ askingeric.com.