Dear Eric >> My aunt on my mother’s side, told me that there was something she needed to tell me, but that I’d have to wait until my mother passed. My mother was sick at the time, so I let it go.

My mother passed away 10 years ago, sadly, but after allowing us all time to grieve, I asked my aunt what it was she had to tell me.

However, when I asked her, she suddenly couldn’t remember. To this day we seldom talk. We were close as mother and daughter, always meeting up for lunch, calling and talking for hours. Now, she’s almost written me off. I just need help on how to try and get my answers that are leaving me feeling hopeless.

— Looking for Answers

Dear Answers >> I hate that your aunt created this cliffhanger. It’s not fair to you and has clearly compounded your pain. I’m really sorry.

Decide for yourself that whatever it was, wasn’t important enough for your mother to mention and therefore isn’t something that you need to know. And then tell yourself you believe it. This won’t be easy — it’s taken on the mythic stature of a Big Secret in your mind. But you can right-size it by telling yourself that this is some drama that your aunt has created in her own mind.

One thing that will help with this is trying to reset the relationship with your aunt. Tell her: I miss the closeness of our old relationship, and I need to get it back. What can we do to repair this? If it takes me never asking about the secret again, I’m willing to do it. That’s how much I value our relationship.

In time, she needs to apologize to you for creating this turmoil. I hope she does.

Dear Eric >> I have never been a super tidy person. I do, however, regularly try to organize my items and clean up after myself. I have been married for 22 years to a man who is also less inclined to tidiness, and who travels three days of the week. You may imagine what we produced for offspring.

I cannot maintain a clean home. Despite chore charts, weekly assignments, pleas for daily maintenance and modeling all of it, my family will not be moved to help keep the house clean. On my days off, it is all I spend time doing. I cannot keep up with the messes of six people. I should add they are 12, 13, 17 and 18.

They do clean for their father when he takes the reins. It makes me feel terrible that I can’t command my troops. Is it hopeless?

— Cluttered

Dear Cluttered >> Part of this — as you noted — is just who you are as a family. And that is perfectly fine. Your kids are old enough to understand the consequences of their actions and come up with coping mechanisms. If they don’t do that, they’re going to learn a lesson. And it won’t be taught by watching you whistling while you work, Snow White-style.

So, turn the whole project over to dad. Ask him to manage the cleaning system, even from afar. You don’t deserve to feel terrible.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.