Daughters’ relationship with dad set by stepmom’s terms

Dear Eric: My dad has been married to my stepmom for more than 25 years. From the start of their relationship, it was clear that she didn’t want to deal with two teen stepdaughters but tolerated us anyway.

She can be fun and is considered the life of the party. There is clearly favoritism toward her two sons, and it’s affecting the grandchildren. My sister and I are routinely put on the back burner, and there is little effort for them to see us and our kids. I tolerate the last- minute invites and one- sided conversations just to have time with my dad.

Any visits are always on her terms and convenient for them. All calls to them are on speaker phone. Plus, my stepmom reads and responds to all texts and emails that we send to our dad.

My sister and her son haven’t seen them in more than a year after questioning not getting an invite to a dinner. They are both in their 70s but are reasonably in good health. They do live out of state for half the year, so time with our dad is already limited. I try to stay kind, positive and understanding, but it’s hard. Do we continue to push for time with our dad? Or should we take the hint that they don’t want much to do with us?

— Perplexed Daughter

Dear Perplexed: I’m really sorry. This treatment has surely colored so much of your life, and it isn’t fair. Your dad should be proactive about maintaining your relationship and should have made it clear to your stepmom a long time ago that you’re valued.

In this situation, there’s the ideal relationship you’d have with your dad and then there’s what’s possible. Push for the relationship that’s possible.

If you’ll regret not being able to spend time with him or communicate with him, you can and should ask for what you want. You don’t have to be understanding about your stepmom’s rudeness or his refusal to prioritize you.

Your dad and stepmom have what sounds like a toxic relationship. You can’t fix or change that. But she doesn’t get to dictate the terms of your relationship with your own dad.

If your dad is unwilling or unable to maintain a relationship with you directly, after all you’ve done to try to make nice, know that this isn’t about you or what you deserve. He may never be able to give you what you should have, but you lose nothing by being assertive in asking for it.

Dear Eric: Three years ago, I met a woman, Margaret, and we became best friends very rapidly. I introduced Margaret to not only my existing friend group, but my other friend Jeff, and they hit it off and began dating.

Jeff works in my industry and is friends with many of my co-workers. Last year, during a tough year, I began to feel that some of Margaret’s behavior was that of someone who was using me, not someone who actually cared about me. I confronted Margaret, and she didn’t take accountability or change her behavior.

Working with a therapist, I decided that I needed to end that relationship and would just let things peter out. Margaret then tried to smear me to our mutual friends. It was messy and painful, and I am trying to put it behind me while still remaining civil, as I still have to see them occasionally.

Well, Jeff and Margaret got engaged and bought a house together, and now I am hearing about this from my co-workers. One in particular keeps asking me if I’ve talked to Margaret about her ring, how excited I am for the wedding, etc. I’ve tried saying things like, “We haven’t really talked in a while,” and changing the subject, but people aren’t getting it.

How can I keep my side of the street clean while still making it clear that I don’t want to hear Margaret’s life updates?

— Unsubscribe From Ex-Friend

Dear Unsubscribe: If your co-workers aren’t getting the hint, it’s probably because in their minds you and Margaret are still on good terms. Absent a big, public falling out, most of the time we presume that friends remain friends. While petering out may have been effective for ending your friendship, it likely went unnoticed by everyone else.

So, as with an email list-serv, to stop the flow of information you’ll have to officially unsubscribe. It isn’t messy or dramatic to say, “Margaret and I aren’t friends anymore, so I don’t have any thoughts about her wedding.”

Making it clear will save you a lot of unwanted chitchat.

Send questions to eric@ askingeric.com.