Dear Eric >> I am retired after 40 years of teaching. Recently, a former colleague of mine died. I was never close to this woman, but we were in the same department and had to collaborate on many projects. Dealing with her was a challenge, but I tried my best to be professional. She was often unpleasant to me, disparaged my ideas and tried to undermine me with our department chair.

In two months, there will be a memorial service. Her daughter has written to me, asking if I could be one of the eulogizers. To be honest, I truly had no intention of even attending the event.

Should I be honest with the daughter and tell her that her mother and I were not at all close, and that she should find someone else? Should I try to find something nice to say about this woman and just go? Should I make plans to be out of the country at the time of the service?

When asked to speak at a funeral or memorial service, is one obligated to do so?

— Unwilling Participant

Dear Participant >> The saying goes that one shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but, by the same token, one isn’t obligated to say anything at all. You don’t have to speak at the funeral, and you certainly don’t have to book an international flight. The daughter doesn’t need to know the nitty-gritty of your difficult working relationship with her mom, though. The kindest thing — for both of you — is to tell her that you’re grateful to be asked but you don’t feel comfortable eulogizing her mother. Then express your condolences and leave it at that. If you feel so inclined, you might ask her if she needs other suggestions for people from the department whom she can ask.

Dear Eric >> Good advice for “Frustrated Sister-in-Law,” whose brother-in-law was pressuring her to give him part of her inheritance. When my wife’s father passed away, we were sent a copy of the will. The first thing I saw was that her sister was given a larger percentage than my wife and her brother. My wife and her brother were upset. My wife and brother were adopted and the sister with a larger share was not. I know it hurt both of them since they think that was the reason. I told my wife it was because the sister was not as well off financially. Who knows?

Parents should make it clear as to who will get what and the reasons why. Do not leave your children wondering if it was favoritism or they felt that one child needed more help. If your children get upset with your decision it is better to have it discussed now than after you are gone. How many families are split over this fight between siblings after parents are gone?

— Will and Testament

Dear Will >> This is excellent advice. I wish every person, when preparing their will or making plans for their estate, would communicate their wishes to their loved ones. Money talks, but it mumbles sometimes. Communication can prevent so much hurt.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.