Dear Eric >> I’m stressed out trying to maintain a friendship with someone from high school who reconnected with me a couple of years ago.

We were good friends when we were younger but by the time high school rolled around, I had moved on.

Fast-forward 20 years and we started hanging out again. Girl stuff like going out for lunch. Recently I’ve realized that, as nice as she is, I just didn’t enjoy her company. She complains constantly, is immature, is scared of everything (while I am quite adventurous) and tries to be so accommodating that it’s actually super annoying.

We have taken several weekend getaways together and she has ruined each one with her complaining about things that happened 40 or 50 years ago. It’s nonstop.

At all costs I do not want to hurt her feelings, but I also really don’t want to be around her except in very small doses.

I have a few more trips coming up and she tends to assume that she is invited. Mind you she never makes any plans herself; she just wants to “tag along” with me. Other than saying, “Hey, I’m kind of looking forward to a solo trip this time” (which is true), what can I say that basically means, hell no, never again but in a nice way that doesn’t make her feel that I’m a terrible person because I don’t want her to join me?

— Bad Reunion

Dear Reunion >> Do you want to keep her from feeling you’re a terrible person or are you more concerned that you’ll feel like a terrible person? Because niceness has run amuck here — yours and hers — and it’s not getting either of you anywhere.

What’s wrong with saying “I want to go solo” if it’s the truth? Obfuscating the truth in “niceness” most likely leads to more misunderstood intentions. What happens when she wants to tag along on the next trip?

There’s a line in the musical “Into the Woods” that I think about a lot: “Nice is different than good.” Good friendship, in this case, is advocating for what you need in a way that’s clear and not unkind, so that your resentment doesn’t grow and you’re able to enjoy the time that you do choose to spend together.

When imagining telling her what you really want, it’s easy to also imagine she’s hearing all of the real reasons you want it — i.e., you dislike her company. But that’s not what you’re saying. At least out loud.

From the way you write about this friend, however, it doesn’t sound like you like her at all. Are you just putting up with her because you’re nice and she’s nice? Just like in high school, that’s not sustainable for the long term. Better to put parameters in place — coffees, not lunches, no trips, etc. — than to stew in resentment.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com