Dear Eric >> My husband and I have friends that complain about just about everything.

The speaker system isn’t good enough, so they won’t go to the theater; any meal out gets a complaint; the bed in our mountain home was too high; the meal I served wasn’t hot enough. On and on it goes.

They are neighbors and we’re in some groups together, so it is hard to drop them.

The woman has asked if I still like her and why we don’t see as much of each other. I replied that we like different theater and different restaurants. I said they seem to have high standards.

She commented that several couples have dropped them, and they don’t know why.

I am uncomfortable being more specific as I think I’ve already addressed the issue in as polite and honest a way as I can. I also don’t feel it is my job to try to determine or fix their issues with others. I don’t know how else to tell them that they are offensive to us.

I would like to avoid and divert any further questions about our lack of involvement with them. Do you think it is necessary to address this further or can we just back away from doing things with them? Or just ignore their complaints?

— Complaints Department

Dear Department >> They’re so close to realizing that the biggest cause for complaint is coming from inside their own home. But they’re unlikely to get there without someone actually spelling it out for them. It doesn’t have to be you, but polite evasion and a slow backing away won’t really help you or them.

There’s a big difference between “you have high standards” (can be read as positive; pins the problem on everyone else’s low standards) and “a lot of what you say comes across as complaints” (accurate).

Your friends may not realize how much they complain, but they know something is up. The woman’s question about if you still like her could be read as a sincere attempt to figure out what’s wrong in your relationship.

By telling her what you experience and how it impacts the relationship, you’d be giving her the opportunity to change.

This isn’t your job, of course. But if you want to be her friend at all (big if), it’s the only path forward. Think of it as asking for what you need. If you want to have a different relationship, you can tell her that. Then, it’s up to her to do the work. With no complaints.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com