I recently learned from my mother that my father cheated on her when I was younger. She assured me she forgave him long ago, and they worked through it in couples therapy. She said they have a good marriage and have grown a lot since then, but ever since she told me, I haven’t been able to move past it. I haven’t wanted to see him since she told me, and I feel like something has been broken inside me toward him, even though we were always close. Not sure what to do, if anything. Any advice?

This question from a patient touches on the deep disappointment we can feel when a loved one’s actions conflict with our values — even when we are not directly involved. Such revelations can be particularly difficult when they involve a parent, making it hard to move past feelings of hurt or betrayal.

When we are growing up, our parents can seem infallible, incapable of making decisions that go against our most deeply held beliefs. We take pride in their successes and feel a sense of shame when they fail. To that extent, our identities are intertwined with who they are, the decisions they make and the lives they lead.

For my patient, her father’s actions shattered the image she had of him. She had never done what he did, nor could she imagine doing so. He betrayed not only her mother, but also my patient’s beliefs about who he is.

This kind of disillusionment can be painful, but there are ways to manage the feelings of betrayal and anguish. The following steps may help, especially in cases where the act isn’t outright unforgivable but still deeply conflicts with personal values.

Consider the person in full

People are not defined by a single act as either good or bad. When we feel let down by someone we love, it can help to take a broader view — recognizing their imperfections but also their worth. My patient was very close to her father, which may suggest he has many qualities she admired. Those attributes may also have helped her mother forgive him and feel motivated to preserve the marriage.

Examine your own motivations

Disappointment often stems from a core value being shaken. Culturally, we often view affairs as an unforgivable offense — cross the line and you’re out. Most of us value fidelity in marriage, and infidelity typically causes the other party enormous pain and disruption. My patient probably believes forgiving her father would mean excusing something that could have broken up her parents’ marriage and the home.

By identifying which value has been disrupted, we can reflect on whether it is an absolute boundary or if we are willing to balance it with others such as forgiveness, understanding or maintaining family ties.

Have an honest conversation

If possible, speaking directly to the person who disappointed you can be therapeutic. Expressing how their actions affected you may provide clarity, resolution or even a sense of closure. However, be prepared for the possibility that they may not want to discuss it or that their answers may not bring the resolution you seek.

If an open conversation does not provide closure, then acceptance may be the answer. You may have to recognize that the behavior wasn’t about you, but was about them and their struggles.

See them as doing the best they can

It can feel empowering to end or limit relationships with family or friends whose values conflict with ours. However, sometimes the more empowered position is to see them as doing the best they can given their own upbringing, social class, genetic predispositions or marriages. While we may define ourselves, when we are children, through our parents’ values, we get to choose those we embrace and those we put aside when we become adults.

One person’s actions don’t define love or relationships

A parent’s mistakes can feel deeply personal, shaping how you see yourself and the world. If your father betrayed your mother, you might feel tempted to believe that all men — or all relationships — are untrustworthy. But that’s not true. One person’s actions don’t define the nature of love or the integrity of others.

Rebuilding trust takes time

When someone we love disappoints us, healing doesn’t happen overnight. Allow yourself time to process your emotions and come to your own conclusions. However, try not to avoid the situation indefinitely — unresolved feelings can deepen over time, making them harder to confront later.

People are complex, capable of both mistakes and growth. In time, you may find that acceptance, rather than self-protection or judgment, is the path that brings you the most peace.

Joshua Coleman is a clinical psychologist and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. His newest book is “Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.”