Dear Eric >> My younger sister, Lucy, and I are both in our 20s and share an apartment.

Growing up, I faced a lot of double standards from our parents compared to Lucy, especially when it came to household responsibilities. Lucy was coddled to the point of depriving her of developing basic life skills.

As adults, I end up picking up the slack just like when we were kids. I also manage all of our bills. She is completely in the dark about how any of our finances work, and my attempts to get her more involved haven’t stuck. In another living situation, she’d be incredibly vulnerable to being taken advantage of, potentially paying more than her fair share simply because she doesn’t know any better.

When I try to have a conversation about these things, she gets defensive and shuts down. I can’t keep carrying everything on my own. I also would like her to learn these things for her own sake, but I’m at a loss on how to approach her in a way that won’t just result in her shutting down again and refusing to hear me. I welcome your advice.

— Oldest and Over It

Dear Oldest >> Your care and concern for your sister are admirable. But, with respect, I wonder if you’ve also fallen into the family pattern of coddling her. You have the opportunity to let her learn (and perhaps fail) with a safety net. The gift of this living arrangement could be that she’s with someone who won’t take advantage of her but will hold her to account. However, you’ll have to be less accommodating.

If managing her own finances, she wouldn’t have the option of shutting down. Choose some bills that you want to make her responsibility and then put them in her name. Maybe it’s cable, maybe it’s even something larger. Give her your half of the monthly bill and tell her that you’re trusting her to take care of it. If she can’t or won’t, then the cable gets cut off and she has to figure out how to fix that and how to repair the relationship with you.

This, obviously, invites potential conflict into your living situation, but I’d argue that conflict is already quite present. You’re just managing all of the conflict and swallowing the resentment that comes from it. She is your sister, but she is also an adult and your roommate. Give her the chance to live up to all three of those roles.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com