Co-worker’s outfits generating complaints, but HR won’t help

Dear Eric: A woman who works for me dresses in a provocative fashion. We work in a formal professional setting. She wore a black lace dress with cleavage. I get complaints from co-workers that her flesh-baring outfits are distracting and unprofessional. I contacted HR and their response was for me to handle it. I know you’re not meant to comment on appearances, and this is a touchy sensitive topic.

— Work Attire

Dear Attire: Ask your HR department for clarification about what they mean when they say you should handle it. What does handling it look like? Is there a dress code that you can cite? And, most importantly, by engaging with your co-worker about her attire, could you potentially create liability issues for yourself or the company?

Ultimately, unless your company has an applicable policy that HR can point you toward, and that is enforced consistently, you’d do best to focus your feedback on her job performance. If other co-workers have an issue with her style of dress, direct them to talk to HR. Your co-workers may feel that her style of dress creates a hostile work environment. HR needs this feedback to help create or clarify applicable policies that keep everyone safe.

Remember that workplace standards should be applied equally to all employees. Document any guidance you receive from HR before taking action to protect yourself and your employee.

Dear Eric: I have been in a second marriage for 15 years. For the past few years, I have been concerned that my second husband’s story about his first wife may be untrue.

This is strongly affecting my feelings about him and his adult daughter. I am seeing more signs of distrust. How can I put my negative suspicions at rest? Can I contact the first wife?

— Marital Doubts

Dear Doubts: It’s possible this is a chicken-and-egg situation, as in you may have doubts because of the story or you may be thinking about the story because of doubts that were already working their way through your marriage in other areas. Before contacting the first wife, ask yourself some questions.

Why do you think this story isn’t true? Why is this affecting your feelings about your husband’s daughter? Is it possible they’re both telling an untrue story? After so long, did something happen that changed your thinking? Are there other aspects of your marriage that you have doubts about? If the story isn’t true, would that give you cause for concern or indicate that you’re unsafe?

Next, talk about your concerns with a friend or loved one. It will be helpful to get another perspective. Even if they don’t have insight into your husband’s story, they can help you navigate the mental and emotional stress.

After that, the best course of action might be to talk it through with your husband. This, of course, is dependent on the nature of the story and your friend’s feedback.

I don’t like being so general, but there are many unknowns here. What’s most important is that you keep yourself safe and loop in someone you trust.

Dear Eric: In the letter from “Frustrated Sister-in-Law,” the writer wanted to know what to do with her brother- in-law constantly asking for her share of the inheritance left to her by her father.

What she should do is tell him she considered his point-of-view and that she agrees with him that it was not fair that she and her husband received as much as the less wealthy sisters. In that light, she has donated the sum she received to her dad’s favorite charity.

And then thank him for helping her realize the best use of the money that he felt she didn’t need. That may quiet him down.

— Regifting

Dear Regifting: This is a creative solution that may not stop his ire but will certainly put the money to better use.

Another reader pointed out that were the writer to acquiesce to her brother- in-law’s demands, the money would be considered a gift and subject to taxes. That’s not what her father intended, either.

Lastly, to the writer, I want to underscore that your brother-in-law’s aggressive behavior is not only an inappropriate intrusion but also could aindicate an unhealthy dynamic in his marriage to your sister. Consider talking with her – away from him – about the risk of emotional abuse through isolation (or control of finances).

Send questions to eric@ askingeric.com.