Dear Eric: My daughter was 10 when my wife and I split. Soon after, she moved to Vermont with my daughter to live with her new boyfriend. When I phoned, she frequently would not let me talk with my daughter.

My ex used our daughter as a means to inflict pain on me. She bad-mouthed me to her and all our common friends to the point that I was told to leave the church we both had been attending.

My daughter has said she never heard my side of the divorce. She is now an adult, and my ex continues to try to monopolize time, even hiring her to work for her. What is painful is my daughter generally does not reach out to me. I have to initiate the connection. My daughter recently had a child. When I want to see her and my granddaughter, it is like making an appointment whereas my daughter frequently visits her mother.

She has expressed to me that her relationship with her mother is codependent, and she feels her mother is “playing mind games” with her — her own words — but nothing changes.

The situation is very painful as I do not feel like I am important in her life, something my ex fostered. I want to talk with my daughter but am afraid it will create hard feelings. I even think it might be less painful to end the relationship with her.

I know this sounds like I am playing the victim, but I honestly do not know what to say or do. I keep reaching out to my daughter, but it wounds me to hear how much time she spends with her mother.

— Neglected Father

Dear Father: As difficult as it may be, it will help you to start thinking about her relationship with you as completely separate from her relationship with her mother and your relationship with her mother. Right now, there’s a lot of comparison running through your head. This is understandable, but it’s only going to deepen your pain.

You and your daughter have been through a lot, it sounds like some of it wasn’t fair or wasn’t right, and so you need to start over.

This is going to take time. But if you approach her with openness and clarity about your desire to connect on her terms, it is possible.

Don’t end the relationship. Instead, try saying something like, “I’d love to be in your life more. I know the divorce had an impact on you and we can talk about that if and when you need to. But I think that we can build something new that has meaning for both of us. Is that something you’d like?”

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.