Hi Carolyn: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and have a happy relationship where we usually spend the weekends and one weeknight evening together and leave the other days for work and hobbies. We live 40 minutes apart, work opposite schedules and both have dogs and interests and everything else that comes with being middle-aged and settled, so it has been working for us.

The problem is that his hobby is taking over our lives. He is an amateur ultramarathon runner and has gone from dedicating about 10 weekends a year and three hours a day to training to 5 to 7 hours on most days. Most of his weekends and several entire weeks are dedicated to running events. He will run in over 40 marathons this year. For context, the other people I know who do this are almost all married and retired.

Recently, coming home from a road trip for him to run two days of races — which left me completely drained and exhausted — I expressed that I would like to take a couple of trips this year that don’t involve marathons. One would be camping with my family for a few days, and another a long weekend somewhere. Nothing extensive.

He told me he has already scheduled up all his vacation time for marathons and won’t be able to take any other trips, but he always likes it when I come with him.

Last year my only real “vacation” was to a small city no one would ever travel to as a destination. It cost me $1,000, took up four days of my PTO and all revolved around his running a 60-plus-mile race with my help. When I told him I wanted him to come on the camping trip to meet my family, he happily suggested I go with my ex (who is a good friend).

I don’t want to end an otherwise happy relationship, but I also feel like I have a partner who doesn’t consider my wishes at all when it comes to his extremely intensive hobby. I feel like I’m dating a sailor who’s married to the sea. Is it possible to support him in his pursuits and not lose my own happiness in the process?

- Left Behind in the Race

Left Behind in the Race: I love that you asked me and I am grateful.

But you have a partner who doesn’t consider your wishes at all when it comes to his extremely intensive hobby. That’s why you feel that way.

So the first person to talk to is your boyfriend. Ideally this happens in the moment, but as long as you still feel it, there’s still time to speak up:

“It bothers me that you didn’t consider my wishes at all when you booked a full year of running. I’m glad you like it when I come with, whooie” — gentle sarcasm optional — “but I like it when you come with me, too. I suggested two (2) short trips.”

The second person to have some good talks with is you. This is the real inquiry, after the admittedly mostly performative one with your boyfriend. You are telling him how you feel for your reasons, so that you know he knows.

I suppose it’s possible he responds in the extreme — either with a major aha moment that he was being inconsiderate and wants to meet you partway, or annoyance at being questioned. Most likely, though, you’re going to come away knowing nothing more about him than what you already know: that running is what he wants most.

If nothing else, it gives you a chance to think about what you want from this relationship while you aren’t actively, constantly chasing it down. Maybe you won’t miss him, maybe you will see the value in being valued, maybe he will miss you. Maybe this reset will be the beginning of a beautiful … something-more-functional-ship. Let the stillness have its say.

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