Dear Abby >> My spouse and I (both women) have been together for 25 years. For half of them, we lived in the Middle East. We met while working as health care expatriates. My spouse is from South Africa and was raised very differently than I was.

When we finally returned to the U.S., we bought a house in a southern state where two of my brothers live. Over time, my spouse let me know she didn’t want them to stay in our house when they came to visit. She preferred they stay in a hotel. She said she was disgusted that they might not shower before bed, and that our cats would be disturbed by their presence. I told her I thought her comments were rude, and I reminded her that sheets are always washed after visitors leave.

This has caused a lot of conflict in our relationship, and I’m not sure I can go on alienating and hurting my family by not welcoming them in my home. I love my spouse, but I love my family and friends too, and I want them to feel welcome. I am torn about what to do.

— Pulled in Two

Dear Pulled >> I don’t know what your spouse has against having your brothers as houseguests, but her “reasons” for wanting them to stay in a hotel are excuses rather than reasons. As you stated, the sheets are washed and changed after guests leave. And cats are adaptable creatures. An alternative might be for your spouse to leave when your relatives come to visit, or for you to visit them instead.

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