Dear Eric >> I have a 30-year-old friendship from high school. I am a woman, and my friend is a man. He got married to a smart, driven, friendly partner. She meshes well with our core group. They have been married for 13 years and have a 5-year-old.

The wife recently called me to tell me she wants a divorce and has proof of him hanging out with single females.

She told me he’s abusive, which is concerning and shocking. In speaking with her and trying to be supportive I said I’d reach out to my contacts for divorce attorneys she could speak to. I used to work in the legal field.

I have not yet provided her a contact. I don’t know if I made the right decision by telling her I’d get her other contacts. I feel like I inadvertently put myself on her side (if he’s been unfaithful, I am on her side). I want to support her, and at the same time confront my friend. Do I support the wife and provide her a contact, confront my friend or butt out?

— In the Middle

Dear Middle >> While giving her a contact isn’t totally neutral, it’s not the same as, say, volunteering to represent her yourself. So, I don’t see this as choosing sides so much as helping out a friend.

After providing the contact, however, you’ll want to draw a boundary around other issues relating to the divorce. Part of that also involves talking to your high school friend about what’s going on. While it won’t serve anyone for you to insert yourself into his marriage, you can talk with him about the ways you’re being drawn in, what you’ve done about it, and how you plan to move forward as this plays out.

You write that the allegations of abuse are concerning and shocking, as they should be. Try to speak more of the concern — for your friend’s wife and child — than the shock. There may come a time when you can hold your friend accountable for any division he inserted into your friend group through his actions. But right now, the priority is making sure his family is safe. If confronting him isn’t going to further that goal, it can wait.

Dear Eric >> My husband and I have friends that complain about just about everything.

The speaker system isn’t good enough, so they won’t go to the theater; any meal out gets a complaint; the bed in our mountain home was too high; the meal I served wasn’t hot enough. On and on it goes.

They are neighbors and we’re in some groups together, so it is hard to drop them.

The woman has asked if I still like her and why we don’t see as much of each other. I replied that we like different theater and different restaurants. I said they seem to have high standards.

She commented that several couples have dropped them, and they don’t know why.

I am uncomfortable being more specific as I think I’ve already addressed the issue in as polite and honest a way as I can. I also don’t feel it is my job to try to determine or fix their issues with others. I don’t know how else to tell them that they are offensive to us. I would like to avoid and divert any further questions about our lack of involvement with them. Do you think it is necessary to address this further or can we just back away from doing things with them? Or just ignore their complaints?

— Complaints Department

Dear Department >> They’re so close to realizing that the biggest cause for complaint is coming from inside their own home. But they’re unlikely to get there without someone actually spelling it out for them. It doesn’t have to be you, but polite evasion and a slow backing away won’t really help you or them.

There’s a big difference between “you have high standards” (can be read as positive; pins the problem on everyone else’s low standards) and “a lot of what you say comes across as complaints” (accurate).

Your friends may not realize how much they complain, but they know something is up. The woman’s question about if you still like her could be read as a sincere attempt to figure out what’s wrong in your relationship. By telling her what you experience and how it impacts the relationship, you’d be giving her the opportunity to change.

This isn’t your job, of course. But if you want to be her friend at all (big if), it’s the only path forward.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com