Over the many years that I’ve practiced law and written a syndicated legal advice column, business-owner couples have asked a personal question that I am always happy to answer:

“As you and your wife decided to have one child — and we are thinking along the same lines — but are worried about the challenge of not spoiling an only child. Have you any recommendations, or something on point that we can read because, frankly, we are getting static from parents on both sides who feel that a family means two children, unless you want to raise one entitled brat,” thanks, “Becky.”

Recently, I received an advance copy of an excellent “instruction manual” for couples grappling with these same issues — wanting just one child. I had the most enjoyable interview with the author, Social Psychologist Susan Newman, Ph.D.

“A boy for you, a girl for me and a white picket fence — those days are gone, but the worry — the guilt feelings and negative stigma of only having one child — is still very real and the basis for a lot of false information. That’s why I wrote Just One — The New Science, Secrets and Joy of Parenting an Only Child,” she said.

She also wrote The Book of No: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever. It addresses saying NO to your children whatever their ages and why that’s important. It is also a super read.

Stereotype Crashing

We’ve all heard the warning that, if you are going to have children, then you’ve got to have more than one.

“The terribly flawed research in the 1880’s of psychologist G. Stanley Hall for created beliefs that having just one child meant you would wind up with a misfit — jealous, selfish, egotistical, dependent, aggressive, domineering and quarrelsome.

“Today we are not hearing that,” she points out, but she is quick to add, “The challenges of raising an only child are very real.”

Reasons why one child for business owners is often a good choice

“Having one heathy kid,” as Newman observes, “often works out best because business parents are busy and emotionally concerned that they are meeting their child’s needs.”

She underscores, “With one child you are not double and triple torn. It is far better to have one little person pulling on your strings and raising your guilt level, as opposed to two or three.

“But I can’t stress enough the importance of setting up a plan where you and your employees do not stay at the office every night until 9:30. Also, tell your employees that you value their spending time with their own families, so everyone comes out a winner — especially the children who will see that mom and dad really do want to be with them. It is the best way to retain good people who respect the boss for that concern.”

Avoid these mistakes with a single child

Just One is filled with examples of the things parents of an only child, who work very long hours, must avoid doing. Topping her list: Compensating their guilt by doing everything for their children and giving them everything they want can dramatically hinder their development into well-rounded, successful adults.

• Their kid wants a new bike, the latest gadget, you name it, and if they get in trouble, mom or dad are always there to bail them out.

• This behavior has life-long consequences, for, by saying ‘yes’ to all their demands, you are setting up your child to feel entitled to whatever he wants whenever he wants it. You are giving him a master class in praying on your guilty feelings. Constantly throwing money at a child leads to long-term damage, and can create a self-indulgent, me me person, in effect, a narcissist who can’t think of the needs that others have.

• When they get in the real world, no one wants to be involved with a narcissist or someone who feels they must always be the center of attention, doing thing their way. The lesson that “friends are not like family and will walk away,” can be bitter

Giving them chores leads to success and happiness in life

Newman cites the importance of giving children chores:

• The 85 year Harvard Study of Adult Development found that people who did age appropriate chores during childhood often had more professional success and happiness later in life.

• Chores at home make children feel capable and an important part of the family — an attitude that will serve them well as they grow up.

There is so much good, practical, accessible advice in Just One. For couples fearful of having just one child — Newman’s book takes that fear away. It is one of the best books on family life that I’ve come across.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to 661-323-7993, or emailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. Also, visit dennisbeaver.com.