DEAR ERIC >> My wife and I have a fair number of friend groups. We enjoy social gatherings, especially dinners out, with all the groups.
But only one or two of the couples ask us out as much as we ask them.
The majority of the other couples only seem to go out with us when we initiate it, although they seem to go out frequently with other mutual friends.
We’re certain they enjoy our company as much as we enjoy theirs and they readily accept our invitations when available, but we feel we’d never hear from them unless we initiate the contact.
I don’t think we’re insecure, but it verges on annoying, and we’re tempted to constructively confront some of the couples (one or two of them) about this onesidedness.
Is there a diplomatic way to do this or should we just let it go and wait indefinitely for them to ask us out? — Socially Perplexed DEAR PERPLEXED >> Something simple but direct like “we like spending time with you, and it would mean a lot if you initiated plans next time” can start the conversation.
Some people just aren’t initiators. At other times, friends can fall into patterns that put a burden on one side. If you’re always initiating, they may think of you as the de facto planners and initiating may not cross their minds. Proactivity can be coached, even if you have to be the ones to initiate the conversation in the first place.
DEAR ERIC >> I’ve been in a relationship with a man for seven years. We’ve lived together for about six years and also have a child together.
I pay for everything — and I mean everything — which is annoying. But the worst is that my partner always uses the last of something, even stuff that exclusively belongs to me.
It makes me extremely frustrated and just flat-out angry.
Whenever I confront him about it, he admits to taking the last of whatever it is, says sorry and that’s it. He also just leaves the empty container behind and has never ever once replaced something. I literally cannot take it anymore.
Is there any way I can get him to stop doing this? Or do you think that maybe I’m in the wrong here? — Empty Box DEAR EMPTY BOX >> You’re rightfully frustrated, but I wonder how much of this frustration is about your partner’s very annoying habit and how much is about the imbalance in your relationship. Why do you pay for everything? Why do you have to be the one to replace things? It’s easy to see how your partner’s actions could lead you to feel unvalued or even taken advantage of.
This warrants a state of the relationship conversation.
And we’re not just talking about the pantry. Inventory the whole household.
Where are you not feeling supported? What are the things that once worked for the two of you that no longer work for you? And what are you two going to do to fix them? He may reach into the box of solutions and come up empty or he may not have a desire to meaningfully change. That could be all the answer you need.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@ askingeric.com.