Dear Eric >> I am a happily married gay man. My husband and I are retired, and we both love to spend our time shopping at thrift stores and antique shops. We each believe the other has a hoarding problem. I believe that we both do, but to varying degrees.

Our home has become so full that we only have paths to go from one room to another. Stacks of boxes and bags and collections surround the paths. Despite this, I attempt to clean and vacuum this house, mostly on my own.

My husband’s solution is to box and stack things in the basement. This is how he believes he is helping around the house. Everything is precariously piled to the ceiling with sparse, dangerous paths that lead through each room.

I want to sift through this mess, choosing to keep only the very best. Then, have a sale. I just don’t know where or how to start. Unfortunately, all that my husband will part with has been damaged in the hoard.

I love this man. I hate how we live. If we had a fire, there would be no clear exit. This is due to the number of boxes that cover the distance to all of the windows as well as the pathways down halls to any of the doors.

I believe that we both could benefit from counseling. My husband does not see it being such a problem.

If he can’t find something he needs, he just goes out and buys another, and another and another. This is the biggest problem in our marriage and one I don’t see a way out of (literally).

— Crowded House

Dear House >> Counseling is a great first step, particularly a counselor who’s trained in working with people who hoard. Even if your husband doesn’t see it as a problem, you should go.

The narrative that’s escalating conflict between the two of you might be one that people who hoard often hear: hoarding is wrong, and therefore you’re bad. If either of you is hearing it from the other constantly, it will be hard to feel motivated to change.

However, you are motivated. Focusing on what you can work on within yourself may lessen the tension. And, if it widens the gap between you, counseling can give you tools to navigate it.

Additionally, your state or local government may have resources that work for both of you as you seek to declutter, such as support groups or training. Also, if possible, hire a professional downsizer. A neutral, trained third party can work with both of you separately and together to clear a path forward.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.