Q I met with my estate attorney recently to make changes to my estate plan and we discussed using a professional fiduciary instead of appointing one or the other of my kids as trustee. They are both busy with their own families, professions and lives and, frankly, I am concerned that if I appoint one and not both, there may be some hurt feelings. My attorney explained that if I appoint them both as co-trustees, the administration may be more challenging to complete since my kids may not agree on how to handle certain things. This gives rise to another concern, if I appoint “some stranger” as my trustee, will this offend both of my kids? What is a parent to do?

A Thinking through these types of concerns is an important part of estate planning. I think it is safe to say that when we leave this world, our hope is that we have left behind something positive. So many families are torn asunder when the mom or dad passes away. Strife and, to use your term, hurt feelings about how things were settled can leave lifelong scars.

First, think of the person you appoint to settle your estate as your friend. The more they know about you, your values, hopes and dreams, the better equipped they are to ensure your legacy is meaningful. Something called a “letter of wishes” is becoming more popular in the U.S. These kinds of writings have long been used in Europe and other “older” countries where trusts can go on for many generations, if not forever. As U.S. families become more global and trusts are lasting longer, letters of wishes are becoming more important.

A letter of wishes preserves and memorializes your voice and such a letter can be directed toward your trustee or toward your beneficiaries. To quote Cindy Brown, President of Commonwealth, a worldwide bank and trust company, “In the day-to-day administration of a trust, the trustee’s goal is to give maximum effect to the settlor’s intent in creating the trust.” Most of us, when creating a trust, give a great deal of thought about how we leave our estates to those we care about and how that gift will affect the life of that beneficiary.Wills, trusts and other purely legal writings can have limitations so a letter of intention or wishes will help better inform the trustee and the beneficiaries about the legacy you hope to leave. Letters of wishes are not legally binding, but they can help convey your thoughts, intentions and your life values.

Such a letter can also provide the trustee with a wealth of knowledge that will allow the trustee to more effectively administer your trust and communicate with your beneficiaries.

For example, if you prefer to leave your assets in trust for the benefit of your children or grandchildren — at least for a period of time — most trusts will use standard language such as, “make distributions for the health, education, maintenance and support of my child” but what does this mean to you? When you say education, does it mean private school from preschool through university? Does medical support mean plastic surgery for cosmetic reasons? When we, as a trustee, see such language, we have our clients complete a questionnaire that asks for clarification about what our client actually intends. Again, these questionnaires are not legally binding, but can be used to add color to the meaning you wish to convey to your trustee and beneficiaries.

A letter of wishes cannot contradict the terms of the trust, but it can inform your trustee when they make these kinds of “discretionary” distributions from the trust.

So, if you decide that a professional trustee is the route you want to take, consider leaving your children a letter about why you decided to relieve them of the burden of administration. Finally, to avoid having “some stranger” act as your trustee, you can have the discussion with your children about the choice and, better yet, have them meet your trustee now. Having a familiar face “in charge” at a time when your children are grieving can make all the difference. It will give them the time and peace to process your passing without the burden of making decisions about the administration of your estate.

Liza Horvath has more than 30 years of experience in the estate planning and trust fields and is the president of Monterey Trust Management, a financial and trust management company. This is not intended to be legal or tax advice. Questions? Email liza@montereytrust.com or call (831)646-5262