President Donald Trump took the oath of office today in an inauguration that was filled with bizarre moments and unkeepable promises. Trump also confirmed that he believes that he’s on a heavenly crusade:

“Over the past eight years, I have been tested and challenged more than any president in our 250-year history, and I’ve learned a lot along the way. The journey to reclaim our republic has not been an easy one, that I can tell you. Those who wish to stop our cause have tried to take my freedom and indeed to take my life. Just a few months ago, in a beautiful Pennsylvania field, an assassin’s bullet ripped through my ear, but I felt then and believe even more so now, that my life was saved for a reason. I was saved by God to make America great again.”

Here’s a stupid question: If God saved Trump so that he could make America great, why didn’t he just make a pigeon fly into the path of the bullet instead of sending the bullet at Corey Comperatore, who died shielding his wife and daughters? It would have made it even clearer that Trump has a mandate from God if a pigeon, or preferably a dove, intercepted the bullet. If God has the power and will to intervene in assassination attempts, surely he has the power to do so without letting innocent bystanders die instead. Mysterious ways, I suppose.

Apart from fashioning himself as a soldier of God, Trump also reiterated many of the things he has already told us that he is going to do. He promised to begin mass deportations and stop the “invasion” that is happening at the southern border by declaring a national emergency and deploying the military.

Purging the country of “millions and millions” of immigrants with criminal convictions is one of the many promises that he will have a lot of trouble keeping even with the support of all three parts of the Holy Trinity. Omnipotence has its limits and those limits are the laws of logic. Just as God cannot create a round square (squircles don’t count), neither can he deport what does not exist. According to ICE, there are only about 655,000 illegals with criminal convictions or pending charges.

Trump promised that the justice system will never again be used to persecute political opponents. It most certainly will be used for precisely that and there’s nothing he can do about it. In fact, he previously used it to persecute opponents himself and he will do so again this time around.

He also promised to instruct his cabinet to lower prices for consumer goods and lower inflation. Trump’s pick for Secretary of the Treasury, Scott Bessent has two steps ahead that he needs to take here: start praying and then convince Trump to refrain from imposing tariffs. Bessent faces an uphill battle against the person giving the order.

As has become routine for Trump, he also made it a point to use God and religion as a central aspect of the event and he chose peculiar ancillary characters to perform in service of that, most notable of which was professional God-screamer Pastor Lorenzo Sewell.

Unfortunately, Pastor Lorenzo Sewell was not in his home church where I’m sure members of his flock are routinely passing out during his overzealous preachings from being overwhelmed with the spirit of the Lord. Instead he was surrounded by ungodly and cynical billionaires and CEOs so his theatrical performance came off as totally ridiculous, over-the-top, and out of place. I hope they at least allowed him to pass around a collection basket for his troubles. It was a bizarre scene watching Sewell perform his megachurch routine with Melania, silent as ever, seated behind cosplaying a Zoot Suit rioter.

This inauguration had all of the hallmarks of a Trump event. He made wild, over-the-top claims about the state of our country and made himself out to be the one to save us all from the literal hell on Earth that we find ourselves in. He constantly repeated that we are starting a golden era for America and that we will be, “greater, stronger, and far more exceptional than ever before.” Sadly for his supporters, he got the “under-promise and over-deliver” mantra backwards.

Rafael Perez is a columnist for the Southern California News Group. He is a doctoral candidate in philosophy at the University of Rochester. You can reach him at rafaelperezocregister@gmail.com.