Dear Eric >> For more than five years I have been having a single friend and her two kids over to dinner weekly. This started after her philandering, narcissistic husband, who had been having an affair while she was nearing term with a difficult pregnancy and hospitalized, left her for the other woman while my friend was on maternity leave with the new preemie and the older child.

I ceased contact with the philanderer/deserter and have never spoken to the girlfriend (now wife), and I don’t intend to. Their divorce, because of the complexities of rearing children between two households, remains fraught, and the children are suffering because of it.

But they are moving into a house on the street where I live, and where I am friendly with everyone else.

How do I navigate this? I want to remain a steady presence in the children’s lives but have nothing to do with the narcissistic household.

— Pseudo Grandparent

Dear Grandparent >> You can hold the line with the ex-husband. Not every neighbor needs to be your friend. But since you have a relationship with the kids and with their mom, you might talk to your friend about the new arrangement and ask her how you can best be supportive. It will probably be very helpful for the kids to have a place on the block that they know is safe and supportive. They may not yet be old enough to come visit on their own, so for now your weekly dinners may have to suffice. But continuing this tradition will strengthen the relationship you’re building and help them — the kids and your friend — to see you as a crucial support.

Dear Eric >> I applaud “Trying to Move Forward” for recognizing the need to truly forgive an abusive elder. My father’s mother was emotionally abusive to me and a sibling. She never cared enough to acknowledge her mistreatment or its effects. Counseling helped me begin to address my lingering attitude. I was encouraged to write a letter to her; read it aloud at her grave; and bury it there. It took me a while, but I did do exactly that and managed to release my anger.

I admit it took a number of years and more counseling for me to find socially acceptable wording to use when speaking of her. The habit of calling her what she was, more difficult to change. Habits influence attitudes. My attitude has definitely improved since I developed the new habit when talking about my father’s mother. Perhaps, Trying to Move Forward or another reader will find this idea helpful.

— Done with Negative Cycles

Dear Done >> Thank you for sharing this. Healing’s timetable is rarely what we want it to be, but I’m glad that you put in the work to get yourself to a better place.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com