Dear Eric: I guess I don’t know how to let it go. My sister is five years older. There was a problem during a visit she made with her grandson more than 10 years ago. Her husband caused chaos and confusion, but she blamed me. She said she would never speak to me anymore and she hasn’t.

Our beloved sister passed this year. I called to inform her; she grunted and hung up. It is so hurtful. Any suggestions as to how to have one more conversation before we both leave this earth?

— Baffled

Dear Baffled: The conversation you’re looking for may not be the same as the conversation that’s possible. It’ll be helpful to right-size your expectations and proceed from a place of acceptance.

While it’s not totally clear what happened a decade ago, it clearly impacted your sister enough to sever all ties. This is a hard place from which to build, and I understand how hurtful it is. The silent treatment is not conducive to making amends or finding common ground.

It sounds like you want to reconnect with her. And while that’s understandable, it may not be doable right now given what she’s said and done. Indeed, her actions strongly suggest that she’s not open to it, for whatever reason.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t get any of what you want. But it may not come from her. I’d offer that in addition to clarity and connection, you’re also seeing closure. The latter may be the easiest to come by as it can start internally.

In lieu of a conversation, consider writing down your feelings in a letter. Express your love for her, your sadness over the split, your grief about your other sister, your disappointment about the way things have turned out. Anything that’s on your heart. Use “I” statements so that it doesn’t sound like you’re blaming her. Settling the score isn’t the goal. The goal is simply to be heard.

I want to warn you: you may not get a response from this letter. But if you send it knowing that this might be a possibility, you’ll be in a better position to say what you need to say. Then you can release it, and this relationship, from expectations.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.