Q Sixteen years ago our dad died and mom died last year. When dad died, we had him cremated and buried in a local cemetery. When mom died, we also had her cremated and now I want to exhume dad so we can scatter his ashes along with mom’s ashes. I don’t mind paying the expense from the money we are inheriting but one sister is disagreeing. She does not want to pay for the exhumation. I am in charge of the estate so should I just go ahead and do it? My other siblings all agree that they want them scattered together.

A Right out of college I worked for a law firm in Honolulu. A long-time client of the firm had purchased two plots at a famous cemetery on the island so he and his wife could have a noteworthy eternal resting place. These plots were extremely expensive because they were located high on a slope and afforded a beautiful view of the island all the way to the beach and blue ocean beyond. When the husband died, he was buried in one of the plots. Later, when the wife died, the children decided to exhume dad and bury mom and dad lower on the hill in less prestigious plots and absent the beautiful views. They then sold the “view plots” for a tidy sum.

Setting aside our judgment about whether this was right or wrong, in that case all the children agreed to the action (and shared in the profits from the sale of the expensive plots). In your case, your sister is an outlier and disagrees with your proposed action. There are a couple ways you can approach this issue: You and the siblings that agree with paying the cost of exhumation can also cover the cost and not make the disagreeing sister part with her share of the cost. You could do a formal “Notice of Proposed Action” where you outline what you propose to do, the costs involved and then serve the notice on all the beneficiaries. If your sister objects to the action, you may need to go to court to resolve the issue and who knows which way the judge would rule. In addition, using a Notice of Proposed Action in this case is like using a sledgehammer to kill a fly. There are costs involved, the outcome is uncertain and it is a bit overkill.

Have you considered burying mom’s cremains with dad? This is most likely less expensive than exhuming dad and means they will be together hereafter. Also, remember that just because you are “in charge” does not mean that you should take action and spend estate monies on something that a beneficiary has expressly objected to. This could end badly. Gaining consensus or making an agreed upon compromise will get you the best results in estate administration.

Q To keep peace in the family, my mom named my brother, “the only son,” as trustee despite the fact that he is historically bad with money and also abuses alcohol. It has been three years since my mom died and we have not heard one word from him about the estate. I have had to get an attorney (which I pay for out of my own pocket) to get answers. Please warn people about these kinds of arbitrary appointments. Instead of keeping peace, it is driving a huge wedge between my brother and the rest of us!

A Well said. Attending to all the details of estate administration is anything but arbitrary. The decision of whom to appoint to this important position should be well considered.

Liza Horvath has over 30 years of experience in the estate planning and trust fields and is a licensed professional fiduciary. Liza currently serves as president of Monterey Trust Management. This is not intended to be legal or tax advice. If you have a question, call (831) 646-5262 or email liza@montereytrust.com