Dear Eric >> Soon after we had our first child, my wife uncovered a repressed memory that she had been sexually abused by her father when she was 18 years old.

I’ve always encouraged her to share this burden with her brother, but she is flatly against it. While I understand that, I’ve been reading up on how that trauma affects women later in life. The symptoms closely match many of her behaviors — like conflict avoidance. For example, I was often the only one willing to call out our kids on things they needed to be called out on, like not flushing the toilet. Once when they were in high school, I went berserk over it. Grown children thinking that’s OK? My wife was not willing to say something?

Our children are nearly 30, mature, and we all get along well. But I see and feel a lot of untreated suffering and feel that life could be a lot better for her. Although it would, to her, feel dangerous confiding in anyone else. Her much-older brother is a balanced person in his mid-70s and his good will toward her means a lot to her. I have no idea how he would take it. I’m pretty sure he would believe her and help alleviate her suffering.

Confiding in her brother may not be the only path forward but my intuition is that it would help a lot. Your advice?

— Concerned Spouse

Dear Spouse >> While your desire to help your wife comes from a good place, pressuring her to process her trauma in a way that she’s resistant to could cause more harm. Please let go of the idea of her confiding in her brother. It’s not what she wants to do and I’m not sure it would accomplish what you hope it will.

However, accepting her for who she is — and where she is in her journey — will help you to be a safe resource for her. Turn down the intensity; your solutions are not her solutions. Try not to pathologize past behaviors, like the conflict avoidance. Focus on the present. If she’s not already working with a therapist who is trained to work with people who have experienced sexual abuse, that’s a good first step for her. You can suggest it, and even offer to help her find someone, but it has to be her decision.

There’s no time clock. Keep listening to what she’s saying, without judgment and sometimes without commentary. When we’re processing trauma, we need to know that the people we confide in can hold our pain. This builds the trust needed to ask for help.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com