Dear Eric >> My kiddo is hardworking, makes friends everywhere and is working on her third advanced degree. She is also working full time and volunteers at a shelter and her professional organization. She owns her house. My problem is her husband. He is not good enough for her.

He has also been working on an advanced degree that took him five years to complete as he was “too anxious” to present his research findings. He does nothing around the house except cook (she has to clean up) and play video games on a very expensive set-up. He was in another state for a while for research and it took my kiddo and I an entire day to clean his office. The floor was covered with fast-food wrappers and trash. We found 15 pairs of sneakers.

His field is sports-related but he does nothing physical as he has “old injuries”.

She tells me he is a lot like me and that makes me furious. She says it makes him sad to know I don’t love him. She and I have had lots of talks about him as I have been too blunt on occasion. I told her that I would try to see him as she does but I just can’t seem to get past the fact he is lazy and entitled.

I think it would be best if he and I sat down and talked but I am afraid he will go back to her with bad information. Please help me work through this.

Worried Mom

Dear Mom >> Listen to what she’s actually telling you: she loves her husband, she loves you and your critiques are creating an issue where there isn’t one.

Your laundry list of complaints about her husband are your complaints, not hers. Yes, he has some growing to do. But I struggle to see what’s so egregious that your daughter should, what, get a divorce?

We can express opinions to loved ones, respectfully and when asked for, but absent conditions of neglect, abuse or illegal behavior let people do what they want to do with their love lives. I don’t see anything that indicates your daughter is asking you for help out of this situation. In fact, it sounds like she’s having talks with you because your bluntness has become a problem.

So, it’s not a good idea for you to sit down and talk with him. It doesn’t sound like you want to build a relationship with this person. It sounds like you want to excoriate him. Instead, start by respecting the choice that your daughter made and respecting the fact that you don’t know everything about what’s going on inside of this marriage.

Dear Eric >> My husband and I have been married for 47 years. He walks very fast and refuses to slow down to walk with me. He says I should keep up with him (even though it is hard for me to do so). He always just strides ahead. He even accuses me of slowing down on purpose. I believe a polite, loving husband should walk beside his wife. He is clearly neither. Who is right?

Walker

Dear Walker >> Does he expect you to magically lengthen your legs? Go sprinting through airports like an Olympian? Levitate? This strikes me as rude and short-sighted (no pun intended). It’s also a bit on the nose as a metaphor. People move at different speeds in relationships. The goal is not to force one or the other to radically change, but to find a cadence at which you can travel together comfortably.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com