Dear Eric >> My husband and I just turned 80. We are in good health but began talking about estate planning. We each have two children from previous marriages, and at first this was an easy fix. After considering donating to nonprofits, we thought the rest of our assets would be equally divided among our children.

Now, the situation: Although my husband has a wonderful relationship with his two children, mine have become estranged over the last few years. I would like to give my children a token amount, although small, it would let them know that I still think about them and love them dearly.

My husband becomes increasingly angry with my children with each passing year and holidays. He believes that they don’t deserve anything, stating that if they didn’t care for me when I was alive, don’t pretend to care in my death.

I, on the other hand, feel that doing this would be vindictive, and mean. Can you offer words that would help this situation, please?

— Split Inheritance

Dear Inheritance >> Although you and your husband are, rightfully, navigating life together, up to and including what happens after you’re gone, it’s helpful to remember that you and he have different relationships with your children. This isn’t to say that your relationship wins out by virtue of it being most longstanding and connected by genetics.

But the stakes are different for you than they are for him. He’s allowed to feel the frustration and anger at them. And it’s probably helpful for you to get a supportive but assertive perspective on this situation from someone who loves you. However, the relationship you have with your children is unique in the world and unique in their lives, even though it’s estranged.

Perhaps even more so because it’s estranged. So, you’ve got to tend to it with specificity and you’re the only person who can decide what you intend this legacy to mean for your children. He may have to learn to live with a decision he doesn’t love. That’s not your problem to fix for him.

Inheritance is meant to outlive us, obviously, but many people also use it to communicate on our behalf after we’re not able to. This gets tricky. Money talks, but it mumbles. So, I’d also suggest speaking with your children before you’re gone, even if only to let them know that the intention of the money is to remind them that you still think of them and you wish things were different.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com