Dear Amy: When our son and his wife announced their pregnancy (our first grandchild), it was at an event held at her folks’ house. They announced that her mother was going to be a grandmother for a fourth time, leaving us out and never mentioning us even though we were there.

Later, we had a talk with them. We told them we were upset about how the announcement was made, but we understood that they didn’t mean to hurt us. We asked them to keep in mind that their child will have two sets of grandparents. They seemed genuinely stunned and were very sorry. We forgave them, moved on and never mentioned the episode to anyone.

Our daughter-in-law’s mother became more distant and cold toward us. It seems that she related this episode to her mother.

A few months later, when the kids announced the baby’s name, it was again a showcase only on her parents. We were not acknowledged. I must have looked hurt. Her parents then exploded at us, threatening violence and calling us narcissistic.

She told me that I would have “hell to pay” if I ever corrected her daughter again. This played out in front of other people, who were just as stunned as my husband and I were.

Now, they completely ignore us. We are no longer invited to family gatherings, changing the whole dynamic of our families.

Importantly, since the baby’s birth, our son and daughter-in-law are inclusive. They have been very kind to us. I feel like we are closer than we were before, even though we have never talked about what happened. We don’t want to put them in the middle.

I’m wondering if we should try to talk to her parents about this or should we leave it be?

— First-time Grandparents

Dear Grandparents: Kudos to you, your son and daughter-in-law for handling this exclusion issue immediately and respectfully. Your honesty and discretion seems to have set this relationship on a positive course.

In terms of the other in-laws, if you can think of a legitimate reason to risk their wrath, then go ahead and wade in. But avoiding volatile people is a natural and protective instinct, and steering clear is a logical consequence of their behavior toward you.

You might, however, ask your daughter-in-law if she would like for you to attempt to reach out to her parents for any reason. In my view, this is not putting her in the middle of anything; it is showing her you are sensitive and respectful. She might prefer keeping these bullies away from you, at least for now.

Dear Amy: My granddaughter is 11. She is spunky and precocious. Recently, she stayed with my husband and me for a few days. It was a lot of fun. She was using her phone to film things, including us and our pets. I didn’t mind at all.

Well … then I learned that she was posting a lot of these videos on TikTok. I learned this because she showed us. I was not happy about this — at all — and I asked her to delete all of the videos she posted that were filmed at our house. I watched as she did this.

She’s upset, and my husband disagrees with my choice. Neither of us can decide whether to tell her mom (our daughter).

— TikTok-ed Off

Dear TikTok-ed Off: You did the right thing. Your granddaughter needs to learn about privacy and consent. She also should not have a TikTok account (until she is 13).

Yes, talk to her parents. They might not even realize she has an account. Their daughter is old enough (and probably clever enough) to create and post a feature-length film. But she is not old enough to understand concepts like risk, privacy and consent. This is how she will learn.

Dear Amy: “Impatient Ida’s” boyfriend goes silent in response to stresses unrelated to her or their relationship.

She should plan (if she stays with him) to experience this dynamic repeatedly. It’s frustrating to be involved with someone who withdraws whenever he runs into one of life’s common problems, and it undermines emotional intimacy. This is an early warning signal.

— R

Dear R: Absolutely.

Copyright 2023 by Amy Dickinson

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