Dear Eric >> My daughter got married a year ago and decided to have a wedding with immediate family members only due to the huge family on the groom’s side (the wedding was still about 100 people). It was planned on the West Coast (we are on the East Coast).

Some of my friends sent them a gift, knowing why they were not invited but three of my close friends didn’t send anything (even a card would have been thoughtful). I’ve sent their kids very generous gifts.

One, I couldn’t attend (it was during COVID and the other was far away and very expensive to get to).

One of the other ones, we traveled to her daughter’s wedding, spent a fortune to stay in a hotel and gave her a generous cash gift. I mean, really, nothing from her? She wouldn’t have gone to the wedding if she had been invited. I’m so disappointed. I feel like even a small gift would have been nice. They have known my daughter since she was little. I’m having trouble letting it go. It just feels cheap. Some of my friends are shocked that they didn’t do anything.

— Giftless

Dear Giftless >> You’re right, it would have been nice if they’d sent a gift. When it comes to children and grandchildren of friends, wedding gifts and other gestures for special occasions can become extensions of the central friendship. A gift to your kid is also (perhaps, primarily) a gift to you. So, I can see why this stings.

The answers to two questions might help de-escalate this situation.

First, did your daughter send out wedding announcements? Even if other people know about a wedding or other special event, it simply may not occur to them to send a gift without the trigger of a piece of cardstock in the mail. It’s a weird system, perhaps, but an announcement can serve as an indication that the couple is open to gifts, and help guests figure out where to send them. Without it, life can get in the way and gifts can fall to the wayside.

So, if your friends didn’t receive announcements, this may not be a one-to-one comparison with the weddings to which you were invited.

The second question is, does your daughter have any feelings about this? Often, in life’s biggest events, the gifts you get feel so thoughtful and generous that one doesn’t really think about the gifts that one didn’t get. Is it possible that your daughter doesn’t have the same expectations of your friends?

If so, you’re still perfectly within your right to hold them to a different standard. But, for the sake of peace of mind, it’s important to remember that everyone’s expectations of themselves and of others are different.