Every Sunday, Kevin Cusick makes his predictions against the latest Las Vegas point spread, the way God intended …

49ers at Vikings (+4½)

Minnesota quarterback Sam Darnold will take on his 2023 team after a rousing debut victory over the Giants last Sunday at the Meadowlands. Despite his success, officials at Autocorrect announced that they will continue trying to change his name to “darn old.”

Pick: 49ers by 7

Giants at Commanders (-2½)

New York was routed by Vikings while wearing striped throwback uniforms. Their red and blue jerseys made them look very much like the NHL’s legendary Montreal Canadiens, except the Canadiens are significantly better than the Giants at playing football.

Pick: Commanders by 11

Bengals at Chiefs (-5½)

Travis Kelce’s pal Taylor Swift endorsed Kamala Harris for president this week, and her posting was liked by WNBA phenom Caitlin Clark. No joke here … we’re just shamelessly trying to pump up Loop web traffic by using the keywords “Taylor Swift” and “Caitlin Clark.”

Pick: Chiefs by 7

Jets at Titans (+3½)

New York quarterback Aaron Rodgers is the star of an upcoming documentary series on Netflix. The project is titled “Enigma” because it is significantly less wordy than Rodgers’ original suggestion for the title. “Underestimating the Magnitude of Me.”

Pick: Jets by 7

Colts at Packers (+3½)

Green Bay QB Jordan Love will miss at least a month after injuring his knee last Friday night in Brazil. Cheesehead fans were somewhat surprised to learn Love was knocked out during the game, as opposed to walking the streets outside his hotel in Sao Paulo.

Pick: Colts by 7

Browns at Jaguars (-3½)

It was a terrible opening week for Deshaun Watson as the Cleveland QB was humbled in the opener by Dallas, then faced more accusations of assault. The onslaught got only worse when Watson was urged to step aside by George Clooney.

Pick: Jaguars by 7

Seahawks at Patriots (+3½)

New England pulled off the biggest Week 1 upset by knocking off heavily-favored Cincinnati. The game was not only a blow to the Bengals’ Super Bowl hopes, but it shattered the NFL record for most destroyed survivor pool entries.

Pick: Seahawks by 7

Chargers at Panthers (+6½)

Carolina’s Pro Bowl defensive tackle Derrick Brown injured his knee in the opening blowout loss in New Orleans and is likely to miss the rest of the Panthers’ 2024 season. This makes him the front-runner for the Lou Gehrig Award as The Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth.

Pick: Chargers by 10

Raiders at Ravens (-9½)

Baltimore barely lost the opener in Kansas City when the toe of tight end Isaiah Likely was shown to be touching the back line of the end zone on the game’s final play. The out of bounds ruling was confirmed by the NFL’s toe video expert, Rex Ryan.

Pick: Ravens by 17

Falcons at Eagles (-6½)

New Philly standout Saquon Barkley was a big hit in his debut with three touchdowns in the victory over Green Bay. That’s a big paydirt total that might take his former team in New York several months to match.

Pick: Eagles by 7

Other games

Saints at Cowboys (-6½):

Pick: Cowboys by 1

Buccaneers at Lions (-6½):

Pick: Lions by 3

Steelers at Broncos (+2½):

Pick: Steelers by 3

Bears at Texans (-6½):

Pick: Texans by 7

Rams at Cardinals (even):

Pick: Cardinals by 3

Record

Week 1

12-4 straight up (.750)

10-6 vs. spread (.625)

All-time (2003-24)

3643-2024-14 straight up (.643)

2770-2767-144 vs. spread (.500)

You can hear Kevin Cusick on Wednesdays on Bob Sansevere’s “BS Show” podcast on iTunes. You can follow Kevin on Twitter — @theloopnow. He can be reached at kcusick@pioneerpress.com.