“I don’t want this dynamic for the rest of my life.” I nod, validating Debby’s statement. She has been realizing that there are real gaps in her primary relationship. I’ve been there — I’m guessing most of us have. So what can we do when we begin to identify changes that we need or want in a relationship?

A good first step is spending some time getting clarity for yourself. Why is this change important? What needs would be met with this change? Debby was tired of doing the majority of the day-to-day work and long-term planning in her household. She was needing balance, shared responsibility, rest, and freedom. Once we’re clear on what we actually need (not just what’s bothering us), we can choose how to move forward strategically.

After creating awareness about what we want and why, we have four options of how to invite change: complaints, demands, requests and boundaries.

Many of us default to the first two if we aren’t staying conscious of our needs and choices. Complaints can come in the form of subtle hints like, “I was running around all day and barely had time to breathe, let alone think about dinner.” They can also be more direct: “I’m sick and tired of making dinner and cleaning dishes every night with no help.”

Complaints might meet our needs for self-expression, but generally do not create lasting, positive change in a relationship. Imagine yourself on the other end of a complaint. What gets stirred up in you? Do you feel connected to the person’s need and open to changing, or do you feel defensive and upset?

Demands are another option to try to create change — one person delivering a mandate to another without room for negotiation or refusal. They often have the words “need to,” “should,” “have to,” or “must.” “You need to make dinner three nights this week, end of discussion.” A demand does not take into consideration the other person’s needs, feelings, or perspective; rather, this form of communication aggressively goes to bat for one side and shuts down the other. Demands are not entirely bad; they might be useful or important in certain situations. However, they aren’t a relational way of creating change and can come with the side effects of resentment, anger, or withdrawal — even when the other person complies.

Requests are an option when we want to invite change and work collaboratively toward it. Requests are just that — the other person can say yes, no, or negotiate without any negative consequences. A request might sound like, “I make dinners Monday through Friday for the family. I’m noticing I’m really tired after work and needing rest. Would you be willing to pick two nights to make dinner this week?” Requests are usually a conversation opener and may lead to a discussion about both perspectives and sets of needs. From that shared understanding, it’s possible to brainstorm solutions that help meet (at least in part) the needs of both parties.

Finally, boundaries can be an important action for creating shifts. Boundaries are not about changing anyone else’s behavior. Instead, they are about changing what you do in response to harmful or unsustainable behaviors/patterns in order to support yourself or meet your own needs. This might sound like, “I won’t be making meals Monday through Friday any longer. If no one else is willing to make dinner, we will be eating leftovers or getting takeout two nights per week.”

Often it makes sense to start with a request and see how it goes — boundaries can always be added later. But when you lack capacity or desire to negotiate, boundaries are always an option. They’re not about making the other person wrong or forcing them to change, but about meeting your own needs and deciding proactively what you’ll do when certain patterns arise.

Want to experiment? Pick one small change you want to see this week. Practice turning it into a clear request rather than a hope, hint or demand. Notice what happens — both in the conversation and in how you feel about yourself afterward.

I aim to provide compassionate and practical guidance. Submit below if you’d like my perspective on your question or circumstance in a future column.

Tiffany Skidmore is a mental health and life coach who specializes in life transitions and anxiety. Email your questions and feedback to tiffanyskidmore.com">tiffany@tiffanyskidmore.com or submit them anonymously at tinyurl.com/thelifecoach. Visit tiffanyskidmore.com to learn more.