Q I am a young manager in the hospitality department of a major corporate institution. I love my job and I have a good amount of experience for my age. My on-site office has only two employees — myself and a part-time guest services worker.

A new employee started about a month ago. She is double my age, sensitive to criticism and very particular about everything, from cleanliness to the content of her work. The problem: I need her to at least not push back on everything I say to her. “Hey, it’s OK to make this mistake, just be more mindful in the future” turns into her being alarmingly defensive and saying she didn’t make the mistake in the first place.

I have grown a lot in confrontation and lowering my people-pleasing, but my issue comes in how to actually approach these little issues that are piling up. She is a Black woman who has told me about past employers who have criticized her for being “moody, aggressive and asking for too much.” I know that these comments come as a result of unchecked racism and misogyny, and that she and countless other Black women experience this throughout their lives. As someone who is White, I recognize that it’s my duty to deconstruct these things, call them out when I see them and devote myself to antiracism, and I’m trying my best to do so. But what happens if she is actually just being a difficult person? How do I do justice to this conversation with someone who seems dead set on taking everything personally?

— Anonymous

A OK, let’s get the issue of race out of the way first. I don’t mean to suggest that we address micro (or macro) aggressions in an effort to move past them quickly, but I suspect your trepidation about how to approach her has a little, or a lot, to do with the issue of race. Black women who assert themselves ARE often regarded as aggressive or angry, and doing justice to the conversation means it’s important that you recognize this, and are sensitive to it.

But I wouldn’t bring it up unless she does, at which point I’d suggest you acknowledge her reality and her past experiences while not harping on them or — and I hate to use this word, but here goes — “indulging” them too much. Acknowledge, and then move on. As for what to move on to? Tell the employee that being obstinate is simply unacceptable, and that, although you don’t expect her to never make a mistake, not owning up to errors and becoming overly defensive are professional failings that she needs to work on. Explain that you want her to succeed, and that part of setting her up for success — for both of you — involves her growing, not just in terms of literal work skills, but also in emotional intelligence and self-awareness. Make it clear that she is unlikely to achieve this success, or move onward or upward within the company, if she continues to be obstinate and defensive.

Her behaviors are not simply what you would call “little issues”: Attitude is everything. It informs not just interpersonal dynamics within a workplace but also an employee’s approach to the actual work he or she is doing. If she’s a guest-services worker, I have to think that her orientation toward your guests may also be affected by what appears to be a sometimes-antagonistic approach. Be firm, but kind. And if all else fails, start documenting incidences in which her defensiveness gets in the way of helping to cultivate a mutually respectful working relationship — or leads to direct problems with her work. Then, you may consider having a more in-depth conversation with her, providing her with “proof” of these incidences.

As for the age difference, I would do the same thing I recommended you do with regards to race: Don’t bring it up unless she does, and then, hear her out, but don’t harp on it. Your employee may bristle against what can feel like the entitlement or even the “inexperience” of a younger and more powerful co-worker — speaking for myself, there are generational differences that can prove to be highly irritating to those of us who are older — but what are you going to do?

Anna Holmes is an award-winning writer, editor and creative exec whose work has appeared in numerous publications, including the New York Times, Washington Post, and The New Yorker.