Dear Readers >> On March 16, I shared a letter from “Mother of Three,” who lost her daughter five years ago and felt unsure about how to respond when people ask, “how many children do you have?” A number of readers wrote in with thoughtful and empathetic suggestions. I’d like to share four with you today.
Dear Eric >> I lost my beautiful, intelligent oldest son to alcoholism three years ago. If the situation is casual, I respond that we raised three boys and now have four grandchildren, including girls, a new experience for us! For many situations, that is enough information.
When conversations go deeper, I calmly say that we lost a son to alcoholism, an important fact that needs to be said. It can be an awkward moment, but I say that we have many blessings and enjoy life with all of our family and friends.
— Mother of Three
Dear Mother >> I like that you frame your answer in a way that feels most comfortable for you; that’s key. Also, by sharing more information when you choose to, you never know who you might help. Thank you for writing and I’m sorry for the loss of your son.
Dear Eric >> I understand “Mother of Three.” I lost two adult children, my son Alan to ALS, and my younger daughter, Leslie, to advanced breast cancer, five and three years ago. I, too, felt awkward when asked how many children I have. It’s easier if I say one, but then I feel I’m negating my children who died. What I say now is, “I have one surviving child, a daughter who lives in Seattle.” Sometimes I say more, sometimes not.
— Another Mom of Three
Dear Angel Mom >> What a beautiful and wise point — every part of your son’s journey will always be a part of your life. I’m glad that talking about him brings you joy and I’m sorry for the loss you endured.
Dear Eric >> I have a friend who lost her son to suicide and in researching how to help I came across this idea. My friend responds by saying “I have a son who died two years ago and a daughter who is [daughter’s age] and lives in Boulder.” That way people can respond to the degree they are able. People who are not close usually ask about the daughter and do not respond about the son, and those who are closer, have a similar experience, or feel comfortable discussing it and ask about the son.
— Reader
Dear Reader >> This is another graceful way of navigating this conversation with truthfulness and an awareness that some different people bring in different emotions and experiences to a conversation..
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