Betrayed twice in one week, my client — let’s call her Jen — was seething. Her boundaries had been crossed, she’d been lied to and anger was all-consuming. Focusing at work was like trying to write an essay in the middle of a tornado — it just wasn’t happening. She wanted to be able to regain her composure and control rather than feeling swept up in a tsunami of emotion.

Emotions can be deeply uncomfortable.

They can feel like a lead vest, a vice tightening around the lungs, or a pit in the stomach. Anger is an emotion that many people are hesitant to work with, even judging themselves for feeling it. Jen was no different. She was so angry, and on top of that she was deeply frustrated with herself for feeling so mad and not being able to let it go.

In our culture, we label emotions as “good” or “bad,” clinging to the pleasant ones while rushing to get rid of the uncomfortable. Yet anger — one of the most activating emotions — carries essential gifts: conviction, protection and clarity of personal values. It signals when something needs defending or a boundary needs drawing.

Anger itself isn’t the problem; it’s a natural messenger. Aggression — how we sometimes express it — is where the harm happens. When I shared this perspective of anger with Jen, she visibly relaxed her shoulders — understanding why the anger was there helped her feel a little more in control. She was able to accept and allow the anger instead of fighting it, which released one layer of heaviness from an already hard situation.

So, what are some ways to navigate anger when it arises? First, notice the sensations, thoughts, and urges that are showing up. Validate your experience by saying, “It makes sense that I’m experiencing anger because…” These steps can help us stay out of acting out or repressing anger, which can be harmful. Next, get curious. Ask yourself, “What do I value? What must be protected or restored? What unmet needs are signaled by the anger?”

Some common mistakes navigating anger include repressing it, lashing out, and staying focused on judgments or repetitive venting. When we repress anger, we ignore its message and might be enabling harmful behavior from others or not drawing important boundaries. When we lash out, we may escalate the conflict and make things worse rather than better. If we are only making sense of anger through judgments of others or the world, we stay stuck in self-righteousness. And if we vent without awareness, it can become toxic and feed into a victim-perpetrator consciousness that leaves us feeling helpless as well as angry.

Finally, when it comes to others’ anger, here are some things that might help. First, remember we always have choice; we can pause any conversation and leave any situation anytime. Next, be a mirror — reflect back what we are hearing to de-escalate. We can also practice depersonalizing by remembering that their anger is not about us, it’s telling us about them and their unmet needs and values. Finally, we can focus on connection by identifying unmet needs and exploring what would help.

Let’s return to Jen’s experience. When her feelings were most intense, she did a combination of soothing her nervous system by doing paced breathing exercises (like inhaling for a count of four, holding for seven, exhaling for eight) and strategic distraction by doing tasks that required her presence and attention such as intense exercise and collaborative work meetings. Other strategies might be: taking a fast walk, listening to music, taking a shower, or splashing cold water on your hands or face.

Jen discovered what helped her calm down and break away from the thinking/feeling vortex. As she identified her needs and values in the situation, she decided to create some boundaries with the people involved. She successfully listened to the message her anger was sending her, decided on needed actions, and took care of herself along the way.

What is your relationship with anger like? When have you listened to the message or gifts of anger and how has it worked for you? What are your challenges with anger?

I aim to provide compassionate and practical guidance. Submit below if you’d like my perspective on your question or circumstance in a future column.

Tiffany Skidmore is a mental health and life coach who specializes in life transitions and anxiety. Email your questions and feedback to tiffanyskidmore.com">tiffany@tiffanyskidmore.com or submit them anonymously at tinyurl.com/thelifecoach. Visit tiffanyskidmore.com to learn more.