Dear Eric >> “Jane” and I have been friends since elementary school and were even college roommates for a year. Her parents treated me as part of their family throughout our childhood, teens and adulthood. Jane’s parents were wonderful people and, as a parent myself, I have diligently worked to follow their example by welcoming and including my daughter’s friends into our home and hearts, sharing meals and laughter, and providing a safe place to land when needed.

Jane began suffering from profound mental illness as an adult and, following a divorce and losing her career as a result, she moved back in with her parents several years ago. Both of Jane’s parents have died within the last two years, leaving Jane on her own to navigate living independently for the first time in her life. It’s not going well, and Jane frequently turns to me for money, transportation, health care needs and to help her get out of many messy situations she finds herself in online and in real life.

It’s overwhelming to me, and I want to distance myself, but it makes me feel guilty because I am indebted to Jane’s parents for their lifelong kindness to me. Jane’s extended family have reached their limits with her, so I’m one of the last people to even accept her calls. I’m afraid of what will happen to Jane if I don’t help, but I also don’t know how to best help her anymore since she refuses professional mental health assistance. What should I do?

— Overwhelmed BFF

Dear Overwhelmed >> Sometimes, a loving and necessary thing to do is to tell someone we care about “I will always be there for you, but I’m overwhelmed. Can we find a new way to move forward?” Jane is dealing with a lot and some things many things, likely are beyond your capacity.

The debt of gratitude you feel toward her parents won’t make the impossible possible. So, for instance, you can’t take away Jane’s grief, but you can listen to her as she processes it. Similarly, you can’t make her get mental health assistance, but you can keep pointing out to her that there is support available.

It will benefit you both for you to set internal boundaries for your relationship. This isn’t abandoning Jane. Indeed, your guilt may be prompting you to overcompensate and overextend. In turn, Jane may be relying on you to an inappropriate degree, which doesn’t help her.

Talking to Jane about what you can and can’t do, and alternatives that you’d like to help her pursue, may not be easy, but it’s a necessary step. She likely has a lot of untrue internal messages that are preventing her from accessing the kind of support that she needs. It’s helpful to have a friend speak the truth plainly and clearly.