Q. I’ve been in constant turmoil over a situation and I need some advice. A little while ago I came upon some e-mails between my girlfriend and a male friend of hers. I know I shouldn’t have been spying or snooping, but I couldn’t help it. This male friend and my girlfriend had some very intimate conversations, nothing too sexual, but lots of flirting.

When I confronted her about it she admitted she liked him “more than a friend,’’ but she begged for my forgiveness. I forgave her because we had been together for years and I love her. Since then, I have forgiven her, but I’m still having a hard time getting over it. I remember seeing them together, and I don’t think she’s ever looked at me like she looked at him. I am very jealous of other male friends, including boyfriends of her friends. We still have fun together but something is always there. I don’t know how she could like someone else while with me. What should I do?Jealous

A. I’m wondering what caused you to snoop in the first place. That’s the missing detail here, and it’s the one I want you to consider as you take your next steps. Did you check her e-mail because you suspected she was cheating with this particular man? Did you snoop because you were feeling uneasy about the relationship, in general? If you went into those e-mails with a bad feeling about the state of the relationship, your problem is bigger than one specific guy.

For the record, it is possible to love someone and have a crush on someone else. Sometimes people test themselves and enjoy a flirtation without ever intending to cheat. But intentions don’t matter if you can’t stop yourself from being skeptical of every little thing, including other people’s boyfriends. You need to think about why you can’t let this go.

It’s time to talk to this woman about why you’re together, why you’ve both chosen this commitment, and how it feels to be exclusive after all this time. If that talk doesn’t fix these feelings, you have to consider walking away.Meredith

READERS RESPOND:

How long have they been together? If it’s been a short time, a year or less, I’d just call it a day. There’s no trust here, so they’re doomed. If they have a lot more than that invested, and it doesn’t sound like it, then I dunno, time for counseling.

SLIM-DOES-BOSTON

“[S]he admitted she liked him “more than a friend.’’ . . . You should have bolted after that. Take control of your love life. If she’s still dreamy-eyed over this guy and it makes you stabby, then dump her.

LUCILLEVANPELT

Snooping is a form of rookie mistake that robs you of power by exchanging long-term gain for the short-term thrill of shooting yourself in the foot. Stop that. And if you can’t be confident in your relationship, then either man up quick, or break it off and be single till you’re old enough for growing a healthy one. I’d say good luck, but what you need is within you and has nothing to do with luck. Fix it for yourself! How’s that?

BENJAMINWILLIARD

You are jealous. It’s your emotion. Change that. It’s an emotion born primarily out of insecurity. Get control of that first and you’ll be able to make more sensible, thoughtful decisions about what to do in relationships. FINNFANN

It sounds like you’ve really lost a lot of the trust in your relationship, and that’s hard to come back from — especially if you’re acting like you’re over it and it’s all fine, but really simmering below the surface — that can just build and build. You have to remember that she hasn’t really done anything wrong, per se, and that it’s pretty irrational to be jealous of every male who interacts with her. ELLEEM

You should get therapy. Your insecurity and jealousy will poison every relationship you ever have. This is not your girlfriend’s problem to solve — this is your problem and you have to deal with it. WIZEN

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@globe.com.