What’s that? You’re a Donald Trump supporter who, once his victory was announced, hopped on a plane and headed for a celebration vacation in a far-flung, news-free locale — and now you want an update on what he’s been doing to Make America Great Again?
Has he started draining the swamp, you ask? Well, not exactly. “Restocking’’ might be a more accurate description. It is true that he’s shooed one beady-eyed predator out of the bog. (See you later, Christie-gator!) But he’s ushered in the far-more-reptilian Steve Bannon as his alt-right-hand man. Still, let’s be fair and balanced: Some people are happy indeed with that hire. Like, say, the white nationalists. And the neo-Nazis. And the Ku Klux Klan. They, to put this in swamp terms, think Bannon is just ducky.
Given how he railed about Hillary Clinton’s supposed corruption, I know you expected Trump’s own financial arrangements would be as far above reproach as Caesar’s wife. But there, too, the plot, like the swamp, thickens. It now appears that after Papa Donald assumes the presidency, Baby Donald, Eric Donald, and Ivanka Donald (like her lovely $10,000 gold-and-diamond bracelet? Order it online!) will tend to the Trump empire, apparently while also functioning as close informal advisers to their father. Blind trusts, you see, are for losers. This will be an Aligned Trust! But here’s a positive development that’s an indirect result of his victory: Papa Donald has settled the Trump University lawsuits, so that embarrassment will finally go away.
It will all be worth it, you say, once Trump builds his border wall and forces Mexico to pay for it? Er, there have been some interesting developments on that front, too. It turns out that “wall’’ doesn’t really mean what we thought it did. That is, “a high, thick structure forming a long rampart or enclosure.’’ That’s so . . . so . . . so dictionary-definition literal! Building a wall was just a metaphor for tougher border security. So the wall could be a fence. Or, I guess, an extra pair of binoculars for the border-patrol agents. And as for Mexico footing the bill? Probably not gonna happen, Trump brain-truster Newt Gingrich confided on an insiders’ conference call. Still, he said, “it was a great campaign device.’’ You already knew Trump’s not really going to deport all 11 million illegal immigrants, so I don’t have to get into that, right?
His call for putting Hillary Clinton in prison? That’s also been part of The Big Walk Back. Asked about it on “Sixty Minutes,’’ Trump said he didn’t want to hurt the Clintons, who have suddenly become “good people.’’ (As with Cinderella, that startling transformation apparently happened at midnight, though on Election Day, and not the evening of the royal ball.) It was left to poor Kellyanne Conway to initially break the news that that pledge had turned into a pumpkin, which she did Tuesday on MSNBC. Mind you, Conway said, Clinton “still has to face the fact that a majority of Americans don’t find her to be honest or trustworthy,’’ but here’s the good news: “If Donald Trump can help her heal, then perhaps that’s a good thing to do.’’
I know, I know, you probably feel a little gulled by your man. But as Trump told The New York Times, it’s just not something he feels very strongly about. Sure, he could have said that during the campaign, but let’s be realistic: “Help her heal! Help her heal!’’ would have made for a very strange chant at his rallies.
But surely, you say, Trump is still going to repeal Obamacare, root and branch, and replace it with something much, much better? We better not get into that. After all, you look like your blood pressure is already high enough — and I wouldn’t want anything I say to trigger a trip to the emergency room.
Scot Lehigh can be reached at lehigh@globe.com. Follow him on Twitter @GlobeScotLehigh.
