Q. I am on the verge of breaking up with my boyfriend of eight years. It sucks because I do love him. We were in a long-distance relationship for a long time. Now that we live together, all we seem to do is fight.

There are many issues that we have with each other, but one I cannot let go of is this: During a few of our fights, he has told me what my family has told him about me behind my back — including that my brother has called me names. My boyfriend would bring up these tidbits when we were arguing. He tends to like to go for the jugular, while I tend to hold back, knowing that I would regret saying certain things. I feel like my relationships with my siblings and even my mom may be somewhat damaged, and he uses that against me. Why would he do this? It feels as if they are colluding behind my back.

I know I should try counseling again — I say “again’’ because the counselor I was going to just never called me back to make another appointment, even after I called her a few times and left messages. I just want to know if I am blowing things out of proportion. My boyfriend is kind and attentive a lot of the time, but he is a drinker and has called me really awful names in the past. No one else gets to experience that but me. I feel that my family thinks I am nuts for not marrying him, but something inside me tells me not to. How do I talk to my siblings and repair the hurt I feel over my boyfriend’s revelations? I know it may seem obvious to your readers — and I am ready for the harsh remarks — but I’m just not sure what to do. Also, he is Mr. Gentleman to everyone else. How do I bring out the worst in him? He is so nice to everyone else — it must be me.

In Need of Some Advice

A. I swear, about 10 people have told me in the past week that they’ve been waiting on calls from therapists who keep ignoring messages. Therapists, return those calls, please. Before summer vacation.

My advice (besides calling another therapist) is to separate your problems. You’ve got issues with the boyfriend and long-standing conflict with your family. Those are two very different things, so deal with them one at a time.

Focus on the boyfriend first and get honest about whether he can make you happy. If you bring out the worst in each other, it might just mean that you’re a toxic combo. Loving each other doesn’t mean you’re compatible partners. If your fights (and his drinking and hurtful words) are on your mind most of the time, let your gut make the decision. That voice inside of you is real. Get the breakup over with.

The family stuff is more complicated, which is why you need to get to therapy when you can. No matter what happens with this romantic relationship, you need to be able to navigate your sibling/parent issues on your own. Let that one be a longer project.

Meredith

READERS RESPOND:

First things first: Break up with him and move on with your life. As for your family, sometimes it’s better to get your emotional support elsewhere.

CHICKENLITTLETHETHIRD

CHICKENLITTLE is spot on about finding emotional support. There’s the family we’re given and the family we create. My family is emotionally limited so I have built strong, supportive friendships over the last 20 years that have been invaluable during crises.

ROADRUNNER

In my experience, when someone routinely goes for the jugular in arguments with their partner, it means they want out. They’re not fighting to defend their interests in the relationship or because they’re trying to make you understand their point of view; they are simply trying to hurt you enough to make you go away. AGEEIGHTY

It sounds like your boyfriend fits in better with your family than you do. Is it possible you chose to be with him because it feels familiar, even though it’s not how you would like it to be? EASTIEONE

Break up with him and while you’re at it, consider breaking up with your family.

ASH

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@globe.com.