Q.About five months ago, my boyfriend of five years decided it was time to end our relationship. We are both in our late 20s. It was in no way a bad breakup. He had been questioning whether I was the person he wanted to marry. He assured me that he loves me but feels that our romantic love has plateaued. While it was very sad, we both came to the consensus that we wanted to maintain our friendship. We are first and foremost best friends. We continued to talk here and there, and went out once since breaking up. It went well and we were both genuinely glad to see one another.
About two months ago, he started a relationship with a new girlfriend. While it was hard to know he was with someone else, I was — and am — more concerned that he is happy. When he started his new relationship, he contacted me to let me know, and said he thought it would be best to have a period of no talking to give his new relationship a try. That period is over, and I recently spoke to him about my music career for some insight. We are both classical musicians and a lot of our friendship and relationship was based on that. He let me know that he had a concert coming up this weekend — one that is a very big deal for him.
I mentioned going to his concert to support him. He feels that it wouldn’t be a good idea because his new girlfriend feels threatened by me. She is worried about being a rebound and the fact the we are still best friends. I feel like this is unfair to me and to him. I feel that I have in no way tried to take him back or wedge myself between them. I have made it clear to him that he doesn’t have to come up to me before or after the concert, nor does his new girlfriend. I simply want to be there to support him.
It’s very hard for me to see him with someone who is insecure and controlling. I was hoping to finally meet her. I assumed that we would be friends, as well. I wish she would understand that. I have been extremely respectful of their relationship, but I can’t go to my best friend’s concert? This seems very unfair. Do I not go to the concert or do I go and hope that they both can be as understanding as I have been?
The Music Stopped
A.You shouldn’t go to the concert, mainly because he asked you not to. If you show up somewhere you’re not wanted, you’ll be sending the message that you don’t understand boundaries. That’s not the way to start a healthy platonic relationship.
All you can do is tell him you’re disappointed, and that you hope you can be in his audience again someday. Tell him that you don’t want to be a secret friend, and that you’d like to be included in plans when it feels right.
For now, though, please know that you’re not best friends. You’re exes who care a lot about each other — maybe too much. He ended the relationship, but that doesn’t mean his feelings have gone away. He might need some space before your presence isn’t confusing. He might need to create some new memories with this new woman before he can feel confident about having you around. Accept that you don’t know how your friendship will evolve, and that this process will take time. For now, focus on your own thing. Put your own music first.
Meredith
READERS RESPOND:
I’m very sorry about the end of your relationship, but it’s reality-check time. I don’t doubt that you both still care for one another, but You Are No Longer His Best Friend. The way you’re thinking isn’t healthy. You need to do the difficult work of moving on by putting some time and space between you, and that means not feeling entitled to “support’’ him. Respect his decision to break up, and respect yourself by focusing on your own career, as well as new and different circles of mentors and friends.
PENSEUSE
No you should not go to the concert, he does not want you there, and it will create stress and drama for everyone.JOJO-
Are you joking? You can’t be serious. While I’m all for exes being cordial, you are not letting go. Why should his new girlfriend have to be your friend? It’s not your business who he is with anymore.JACKIEFORREAL
First, you are not supporting him by going to the concert when he doesn’t want you there. Second, he has only been dating this woman for two months, and you “finally’’ want to meet her? Gosh, give him a lot more breathing space.PRCNBRO
There will be other concerts to attend; for now, let him and his new love find out if they are a good match.
PATSFAN79
The only thing worse than a horrible breakup that leaves no question about the death of a once-promising relationship is a “good’’ breakup that leaves close friendship and other vague possibilities on the table.
BOODADDY
I wouldn’t call the new girlfriend insecure and controlling because she feels weird about having you there. You guys have five years of history and they have a few months; that can be intimidating for anyone. Let them enjoy their night without having to worry about potential drama, even if you think there is no need for them to worry about it. Also, know that you’re probably not going to be lifelong besties with this guy. That’s just not how it works 99.99% of the time. There’s a reason for that.SOUTHIE777
Watch his show on YouTube after the fact. Someone will record it.
THEKIDSRALLRIGHT
Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@ globe.com.
