Q.Could use your opinion (though I have to admit I don’t agree with many of your takes). I’m a married man in my 40s. Happy family, kids, etc. Yet boredom/lack of excitement has led me to stray in the past, and while there was excitement about sex, it never really seemed good after the fact. I’ve never had a “romance’’ with another woman, and the hassles, the guilt, and the questionable payoff all made it seem not a good deal at the end of the day. I met some younger women but none I had a mental connection with. (Obviously this brings the question of what drives me to repeat but I have no answer).

A few months ago, I met this younger woman. The (mutual) plan was to have a casual, no-strings physical thing, and as it turned out, I totally fell for her. Not only was the sex out of this world, I found her to be an amazing person, a unique and rare spirit that lit up my world. I knew what kind of relationship we had yet got quite caught up. It’s not like we saw a ton of each other, but as much as possible, and not always leading to sex; we had lunches/dinners and went out to various events. Recently, when I tried to set up a meeting, she texted me that she was having a date. My heart just stopped, and though I shouldn’t have been surprised, I was. I was away for a week after that and when I got back she basically put our connection on hold. It felt like the worst breakup of my life. I know we’re not in the same place in our lives. She’s a grad student and her life is full of meeting new people and having new experiences, and with her looks and personality she could find hundreds of men each day. I know I was blessed to be with someone so open-minded, yet the thought of her disappearing completely from my life is very sad. I realize some of my feelings are about my own life and satisfaction, but a (very) good chunk of it is her. We enjoy each other’s company and I think the world of her.

I know I cannot have my cake and eat it too. I know I came on a bit strong with my “feelings’’ (telling her I want “more’’). But I strongly know I want her in my life, in whatever capacity. I’ve lost much sleep and appetite since our last conversation and felt physically ill. I know: I’m married, etc. I can’t say if this woman is my match made in heaven (and I certainly won’t presume I am her “one’’), but isn’t it OK to actually listen to one’s heart?

Bleeding heart

A.This younger woman is off the table. You’re married, she’s dating, and the relationship ran its course. Now you’re coping with a bad, one-sided breakup. As you know, they’re terrible, so everything you’re feeling is normal. This is why characters cry and eat ice cream in movies.

What you learned from this relationship is that you do want romance. When you have this kind of connection with someone, you feel better about life. Your job is to get yourself into a position where you can get more of the love you seek. That means dealing with your marriage. Most likely, it means getting yourself single so that you have the freedom to fall for someone else.

You want to listen to your heart? Fine. Your heart doesn’t like the status quo, and your brain shouldn’t either. Tell your wife that you need to seek counseling to talk about the state of your marriage. My take (like it or not) is that it’s time to deal with your reality. MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

You start off with a dig at Meredith’s advice and then you play the passive victim for cheating. Um, no.

BKLYNMOM

Boy, you sound like a real gem. I feel sorry for your wife and children.

MMNNEE

Your poor family. Have you spent five minutes thinking about them?

WENDY-

He spent about ten seconds which is what it took to write “Happy family, kids, etc. . .’’ SHIPYARDLOVER

When you say you don’t agree with many “takes’’ here, I assume you only hear what you want to hear. In other words, you already know what you want from us just like any petulant boy: Permission. VALENTINO

He’s not following his heart right now, he’s following another body part. Letter writer, you’ve got kids — man up and do the right thing. If you can’t remain married to your wife, then end it. Until then, keep it in your pants. What you’re doing right now isn’t fair to your wife, your kids, and your girlfriend(s). How would you feel if your kids found out you had cheated on their mother? ROADRUNNER

Where is your wife in all this? Does she know? (She does even if you think she doesn’t.) Do you want to be married? Address that before anything else. I suppose you can come to some sort of agreement if you both feel the need to stay married, but I highly doubt your wife would be fine with that. For a man in his 40s you come off pretty clueless. Or maybe just blinded by your own arrogance. Address the problems in your marriage first. Bleh. . . you suck. MHOGAN08

Listening to one’s heart is fine as long as you listen to and accept what her heart is saying to her. Your heart doesn’t determine if in her heart you are the one for her. BIGSIGH

This is one of those letter writers who will never be completely happy. Not in his marriage, not if he gets divorced. There’s always something better around the corner, isn’t there? Except that means you’ll be chasing temporary highs forever. ELLLEEM

My one suggestion: Let’s tell your wife, so that your “Bleeding heart’’ can be more literal than figurative.

ENJOYEVERSANDWICH

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@ globe.com.