Q. I have been dating a guy I really like for about eight months. But I don’t like most of his friends, who are all from his job. (He moved here a few years ago for the job and hasn’t gotten to know other people.) From what I have seen, they spend a lot of time gossiping about each other, about other people at work and their clients, and retelling stories about how drunk they got last weekend.

I know co-workers will complain and burn off steam, but this seems more toxic. I am able to avoid many of the happy hours and weekend things since I work longer hours and have my own friends. I don’t mind going out with them once in a while for his sake. But I keep wondering why he is friends with people who are so negative and immature. He not only goes out with them but hosts them at his place. Also, he told me once that he likes stirring the pot to see what happens. His example was that he will tell one friend that another friend said something negative about them, to see what happens between them at work.

He is really good to me, and I have been telling myself that he is just doing what the other work people do, to get along in his job. Should I ignore what goes on at work and with his friends since he doesn’t act this way with me? I know I’m not perfect when it comes to gossip, but I don’t feel good when I’m around them. For context, we’re in our 30s. I don’t think he will be leaving his job soon.

Work friends

A. His work situation does sound strange and toxic — and it clearly brings out the worst in him — so your best bet is to consider what he’s like outside of that environment. When he’s with your friends, is he kind? Empathetic? Or is he still interested in stirring the pot? Does he ever try to get a rise out of you? I just want to make sure that this manipulative behavior doesn’t extend to your relationship in any way.

If he’s only unpleasant with the work friends, then yes, you should stay away from them as much as possible. You should also let him know why you choose to avoid the group. Perhaps that conversation will lead to some information about what kind of community he’s been missing since he moved. Perhaps you’ll learn more about the kind of friends he values most.

Also ask to meet other people in his life, even if it means taking a trip to meet friends from where he used to live. Seeing him with a different group of people might put you at ease.

Meredith

READERS RESPOND:

Ummm . . . no. He is just like them, and it’s also possible that he is the ring leader or puppet master of all this negative behavior. He loves the drama. You can do with that what you choose.

CRUCIFIEDZEOFF

His friends are negative and immature and he isn’t? If he surrounds himself with these kind of people, that’s probably who he is also.

RICH1273

See, the gossip wouldn’t bother me. And there is nothing wrong with having your friends be from work. His claim that he is stirring up stuff to manipulate people would probably make me concerned about him and the relationship.

ASH

If he doesn’t act this way with or toward you, and all else is hunky dory, then leave it alone. This could possibly end your relationship if you make it out to be greater than it is. Leave it alone, turn a blind eye, keep a distance, have minimal interactions with this group, and focus on how he treats you and your relationship.

BACKBAYBABE

My friends and I [gossip] with the best of them, but deliberately telling tales out of school about somebody saying something negative about somebody else just to see what happens . . . that sounds like grade-school garbage, but you’re in your 30’s. I don’t know. Something not right about that. SOUTHIE777

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@ globe.com.