As Donald Trump’s unorthodox presidential campaign moves from strength to strength, it is not too early to ask: Who might run as his vice president?
Let’s winnow the field, shall we? Muslim Americans and recent Mexican arrivals (“rapists,’’ etc.) are out. Many of Trump’s Republican rivals will probably be declining this invitation, including Senator John McCain (“not a war hero’’), Carly Fiorina (“Look at that face’’) and Jeb Bush (“dumb as a rock’’).
It seems safe to say that Fox News broadcaster Megyn Kelly won’t be gracing the ticket.
Nor will former senator Chuck Hagel, Mark Cuban, Stevie Wonder, or Cher — just four of the 59 names that appear on the Maclean’s magazine “definitive list of every person Donald Trump has called a ‘loser.’ ’’
At this point, Vlad the Impaler (real name: Vlad Drakulea) seems like a logical choice for running mate. Trump’s “good friend’’ Michael Jackson would also be perfect, with just the right combination of star power and idiochromatic skin color to ride alongside The Donald. But unless Google perfects time travel within the next few months, those candidates appear to have insurmountable negatives.
My modest proposals:
1. A Great Conciliator. Trump is always the elephant in the room, and his vice president is doomed to be the person following behind with a broom and slop pail. How about Dr. Phil? “I know Mr. Trump insulted you; how did that make you feel?’’ I’d nominate the Dalai Lama — his saffron robe complements The Donald’s hair color — but His Holiness’s message of universal love might not resonate with Trump supporters.
2. An Enforcer. I’m liking Danny Trejo of the “Machete’’ movies (“Machete Kills,’’ “Machete Kills in Space’’) because he can stand behind the famous Trump Wall and bilingually dissuade would-be border-hoppers, perhaps with the help of the massive Paratrooper SAW machine gun he waves around in “Machete Kills.’’ Former jailbird Trejo won two boxing titles inside San Quentin. In a cage match, I’d say martial arts popinjay Vladimir Putin goes down in Round Four.
Have no fear, Trump vetters, Trejo was born in Los Angeles.
3. A former president. Charlie Sheen plays the president in “Machete Kills,’’ and famously tweeted last year, “I’d be [Trump’s] VP in a heartbeat!’’ But Charlie comes with too much baggage. Not so his father Martin, two-term president Josiah Bartlet in the TV show “The West Wing.’’ Sadly, Martin is the kind of Hollywood lefty who won’t be taking The Donald’s calls.
An opportunity for gender balance, perhaps. No, not actress Cherry Jones, who played President Allison Taylor in “24’’ (“President Handbag,’’ as Dave Barry mercilessly lampooned her). How about Sharon Stone, President Natalie Maccabee in the doggy TNT series “Agent X’’? The slightly ditzoid Stone is as unscripted as Joe Biden, and looks better in a dark suit. The cameras would love her at state funerals.
4. A man in uniform. Alas, they don’t make tough-guy generals like they used to. “Stormin’ Norman’’ Schwarzkopf would be a fine fit, but he is trapped in the same time warp that swallowed up Mr. Impaler and the Gloved One. Still, not all uniforms have golden braid. What about Tom Brady? TB12 can’t play football forever, and he’s married to an exotic foreign beauty, just like Trump.
Yes, the fans booed Tom at the Super Bowl, but the losers booed Trump at a recent GOP debate. Look where that got them. I can see Trump looking Tom square in the eye and saying: “You’re Hired!’’
Alex Beam’s column appears regularly in the Globe. Follow him on Twitter @imalexbeamyrnot.
