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They’re not spending as much time together
By Meredith Goldstein
Globe Staff

Q. I have been with this gentleman for nine months. We initially spent every weekend together and sometimes a night during the week. Our communication was perfect. From the beginning, it was an as-we-go relationship; he wasn’t sure what he wanted day by day.

Fast forward six months and he has made it clear that he doesn’t know what he wants, still. We now see each other probably once a weekend, and lately we have even skipped some weekends. He has recently taken a new job and has extremely big family obligations. The communication has died down to about every other day but is always positive and upbeat. He does initiate contact and still makes plans with me. It just seems he has taken a slight step back. Do I give him space or do I walk?

What is happening?

A. You wrote a lot about what this gentleman may or may not want, but you didn’t tell us what you want and why. Are you hoping for a more serious relationship with this man because things are wonderful when he’s around? Or is it that you’re ready for a big commitment and want something to come out of the past nine months? Do some big thinking about your intentions and whether this guy has ever been a person who can meet your needs.

If you do see potential and just want to know whether he needs space or a real step back, think about whether you’re getting closer. You might not be spending as much time together, but is that time more intimate? Are you getting to know him better? Is he involving you in his life and is he more interested in yours? If not, and this relationship is at a standstill, you should probably move on. Because it’s clear you’re looking for more.

Meredith

READERS RESPOND:

At this stage in his life this may be all he can handle or what he wants. You really need to ask for what you want. You may not like his response, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. THENURSE

Yeah — I think the family obligations are starting to get to you. Unless you see those decreasing, I think you should find a partner who has more time for you. By the way, I agree on the mid-week lovin’! GD-CATCH

You are being a doormat. Stop it. unless that is you like it this way . . . which I don’t think you do, or you wouldn’t have come to LL for advice. Why don’t you keep him on the sideline as a nice gent to hang with, but go out and find a man who wants and makes time to spend with you.BACKBAYBABE

This seems pretty normal. It just sounds like this guy is balancing the other things in his life with this relationship. This tends to happen once that initial rush of excitement makes a segue to a more sustainable level.

SUNALSORISES

Initially you were content with this relationship, but then a new job (stress) and family obligations (more stress) cut into the time you are spending together — this seems a natural outcome. The job will stop being new, and the family obligations may include you in the future. The real question is: Are you happy with being in a weekend relationship or are you not? Not giving away any secrets here, but most marriages are a weekend thing because of kids and careers and aging parents. . . . And hey, it may be a benefit not to live together during the stressful part of the week. HEYITHINK

This is regression. Regression, in my experience, generally leads to an ending — not to some sudden revitalization at some later point when everything becomes “clear.’’

BOODADDY

He still spends time with you, but not as often. If someone really likes you, he wants to see you more, not less, as time goes on.

BLUEAWNING

Have you considered talking to him about this? I know. It’s a crazy idea. Never mind.

CHARMING-SEAN

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@globe.com.