My husband and I both just turned 33 — not old, but not young. It seems like all of our friends are starting to have kids, and we’re the token childless pals. People have good-naturedly asked us when we plan to start trying (which we usually deflect with sarcastic remarks); for now, we’re those hapless people at the toddler birthday parties groping for beers. The truth is: We haven’t started trying because we’re both terrified. I have graduate school debt. My husband just started a new job. We’re in an apartment, not a house — I thought we’d have a house before having kids, which is how I grew up — and we don’t feel settled. At the same time, we want children, in theory. And we’re not getting any younger. How do we make the mental leap to embrace the idea of actually trying to have kids?
Kara: This was me a few years ago: apartment-dweller with a new job and a husband just out of grad school. Then poof! I was pregnant, faster than I expected. In theory, we wanted a child. In reality, I was petrified. Life has a funny way of surprising you, even when you get what you think you want.
Fast-forward six years: We bought a house, we have more money now than we did before, and we’re expecting another child. Life wiggled onward, and our older son has no lasting trauma from spending his infancy in a two-bedroom apartment.
On paper, maybe we weren’t ready to have kids. But nobody is, really. Even the most organized person with an airtight budget, rock-solid job, and a four-bedroom Colonial on a kid-friendly cul-de-sac is no match for an exploding diaper at Target or a midnight ear infection.
In that spirit, I’d urge you to think about how you made other major life decisions, like getting married or going to grad school. Did you wait until all the conditions were optimal? Probably not. If they were optimal, you probably wouldn’t have student debt, right? I’m guessing you based your choices on instinct. Instinct is messy, but rarely does it lie.
So think about it this way: What would you regret more, instinctually? Having kids now or not having kids now? You’re still pretty young, so it’s not like you have to make a choice immediately based on the fact that you’re beginning to hit the toddler party circuit (and it’s perfectly fine to decline those invites) and are also getting nosy questions (keep deflecting them with sarcasm, by all means).
But if you really do feel a nagging urge to procreate, honor it. Because life will never, ever be ideal. You might pay down your debt but end up with a new job that requires long hours. You might not be able to find a bigger place right away (babies require food, not square footage). Most external factors have little to do with being a good parent. As long as you’re not hamstrung by that debt, feel somewhat stable, and genuinely want a child, go for it. Don’t get hung up on mental preparation. There is no preparation — which is frightening but liberating, too.
David: There’s certainly no “right’’ lifestyle for having kids. Your childhood is just that: your childhood. Your kids, if you have them, will have different lives. If you’re holding up because you haven’t matched your parents in terms of real estate or professional accomplishment, well, you’re going about this wrong. For one thing, the world has changed. Wherever you lived as a child is twice as expensive now as it was then. Jobs are less secure and careers are less linear than they were for your parents. By waiting for the conditions of your childhood to emerge, you aren’t waiting for the next stage, you’re waiting for the past to return. It won’t.
You also shouldn’t make major life decisions based on peer pressure. If your friends felt ready — or ready enough to embrace an accident with joie de vivre — that’s great for them, but it doesn’t mean you have to catch up. Talk with your husband honestly, and find out what’s behind the terror you mentioned. Are you worried about your circumstances, or not sure what you really want? Babies are kind of irreversible, so be sure you want them more than “in theory,’’ as you said.
If you decide yes, well, hey, welcome to the regular audience for this column! Sadly, we can’t tell you when to have a child. Nobody can, despite the assertions of the nosiest of friends and relatives. That’s really up to you and your husband.
Whenever you decide to get started, I promise that you can have a baby anytime in any sort of home, and that your kid can have a happy and healthy childhood. You’ll also learn that every single professional decision you make will conflict with your parenting responsibilities, and that managing those conflicts is an ongoing part of life that no amount of planning or waiting will diminish. Fortunately, with all your friends a few years ahead of you, you’ll have plenty of sympathetic ears and practical tips. Good luck!
Kara Baskin is a mom, a journalist, and the author of “Size Matters: The Hard Facts About Male Sexuality That Every Woman Should Know.’’ Follow her on Twitter @kcbaskin. David Mogolov is a dad, a comedian, and a playwright. Follow him on Twitter @davidmogolov. Send parenting questions to parenting.globe@gmail.com.
