Q. I’m a 28-year-old woman and I came out as gay relatively recently. Because of that, I never established a group of lesbian friends while in college. I feel completely hopeless trying to meet gay women for friendship and dating. Most of the lesbian events in Boston are at crowded bars and clubs, and while I’m always up for dancing and a good time, I find the Boston gay scene to be super cliquey.
I’m generally a very independent person and have been to some of these events on my own, but I always feel very uncomfortable, unless I get drunk, which is not too cute. A loud club environment doesn’t lend itself to even introducing myself to someone I find attractive, and I don’t really have the confidence to just start dancing up on somebody. I’ve tried online dating, but it hasn’t seemed to work out and just feels so inorganic and awkward. I’ve also communicated online that I’m open to just meeting friends, in addition to dating, but then I have a hard time figuring out what type of relationship the person is expecting.
I’ve looked into meet-ups, but most of them are either an advertisement for the above-mentioned club events with no actual structured meet-up planned, or are attended by mostly middle-age lesbians, which is not really what I’m looking for. I know there are a lot of issues packed into this letter, but any advice you could give would be appreciated.
Feeling Too Old for This
A. Please don’t assume that every lesbian in Boston is hanging out with a pack of lesbian friends they met in college. Even if they had that kind of group in school, they most likely had to create a new social circle for themselves after graduation. And for the record, what you described about dating confusion is pretty universal. If you don’t know what kind of relationship a person wants, just ask.
It does sound like your best bet is to skip the bar nights and check out Queer Tango, gay sports leagues, or other ongoing activities that are less about one night at a club, and more about making weekly connections. The happier you are at an event, the more likely you are to make friends.
Also remember that you can’t isolate yourself while you look. You don’t mention your other friends in this letter, and maybe they’re less in your life now that you’ve come out, but please don’t discount the people you’ve known forever. They might be the best people to turn to as you have these experiences.
Meredith
READERS RESPOND:
Have you tried a LGBT support group? You may meet some other people there who have come out later in life and are in the same boat you are in. DORA79
Keep trying. Dating, regardless of your orientation, is a pretty universal process. You have to keep putting yourself out there in various ways. Make a diverse group of friends... a lot of times you meet somebody through a friend of a friend. Props on coming out and being your authentic self! BEEBS81
This is how it is for anyone who dates after age 25. You just have to keep trying.
MEOWMIXREMIX
Just so you know, straight people hate dance clubs too, especially if they want a relationship. ALLUSERNAMESARETAKEN
Someone told me to explore an interest you haven’t pursued. Maybe community theater, maybe something else. That will get you in a circle of new, like-minded people. Otherwise it’s the same old slog the rest of us have to endure until we find a good match.
BLISTERED-TOE
You could try setting up your own meet-up group. That way you can have the kinds of get-togethers that you would want to go to and specify the age group that you are targeting. I’m sure you are not the only lesbian who feels this way, so you may get a greater response than you think. KATE B
It sounds like you’re looking for a community more than a date. Get involved locally. And you know what, those middle-age lesbians still can be good friends. And they probably know some cool young lesbians, too.
ELLLEEM
Uh, softball? IRONMASK
Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@globe.com.
