BURGER TIME 

Globalist flapjack conglomerate IHOP shocked the international pancake community earlier this week when it announced through a feat of typographical derring-do that it was changing its name to IHOb and would now identify as a burger joint that just happens to have pancakes because screw your labels, America! Other brands glanced briefly at each other and piled on, issuing social media burns ranging from well done (“brb changing my name to Netflib,’’ tweeted . . . Netflib) to flame-broiled (“Not really afraid of the burgers from a place that decided pancakes were too hard,’’ tweeted Wendy’s). Meanwhile, as confused customers attempted to determine how the transition violated their sincerely held beliefs, IHOb rushed to reassure its clientele that it would continue to lead the way in pancakes, crepes, waffles, and fights in the parking lot. 

SOCIAL CLIMBER

What does it take to get ahead in today’s America? Grit. Determination. Fearlessness. Also a combination of planticular locomotion, hind feet that can swivel, and extremely creepy/dextrous little fingers. In other words, scaling the corporate ladder — or one of the skyscrapers that figuratively contains it — is a lot easier if you’re a raccoon. Just ask #MPRraccoon, currently the world’s second most famous trash-eating mammal thanks to its death-defying, Twitter-enthralling climb up the side of St. Paul’s 25-story USB Plaza. Alas, like so many upwardly mobile young go-getters chasing their dreams or the smell of cat food, our hero was eventually put in a cage — also apparently part of what it takes to get ahead in today’s America. 

THE GREAT IMPASTA

Writer Keaton Patti captivated the Twitterverse this week with a new take on bingewatching. “I forced a bot to watch over 1,000 hours of Olive Garden commercials and then asked it to write an Olive Garden commercial of its own,’’ he tweeted, along with the first page of the script. As anyone who has ever digested way too much Olive Garden can imagine, the results are kind of a hot mess: “WAITRESS: Lasagna wings with extra Italy. We see the lasagna wings. There’s more Italy than necessary. FRIEND 2: I shall eat Italian citizens.’’ And I thought endless breadsticks were hard to process.

NO RESERVATIONS 

Anthony Bourdain died last week. No joke here. I’d just like everyone to 1.) Take care of each other, and 2.) Go sit down and eat something with someone they wouldn’t normally sit down and eat with, which is actually just another way of doing #1 — as long as it’s not IHOb or Olive Garden.

MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEUR

Michael Andor Brodeur can be reached at mbrodeur@globe.com. Follow him on Twitter @MBrodeur.